Soccer Parents From Hell
My husband and I are the soccer parents from hell.
This isn’t because of anything we do. You will NEVER, but NEVER see me running up and down the sidelines like a crazy woman: “Mark up! Get the ball outa there! Offsides! What is wrong with you?”
Nor do we harass the coach like I see other parents do: “Benjie should be playing midfield. Benjie shouldn’t be playing midfield. Our son would be a better soccer player if you were a better coach.” (See soccer-mom-club-.com for a link to a real-life story about soccer parents gone wild, which is different than soccer parents from hell.) We certainly don’t sit on the sidelines, boasting about our 11-year-old Soccer Stud: “See little Benjie there? I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t the next Ronaldo.”
No, our status isn’t because of action.
It’s because of inaction. It’s because we forget to take our son to practice, then leave him there 15 minutes past quitting time because one parent thinks the other is picking him up.
It’s because we forget when the games are, and when we do remember, we are almost always the last ones there. The other day, we had not only our son in the car, but also the STARTING GOALIE for a VERY IMPORTANT GAME, and we were 20 minutes late because we couldn’t find the field, even though the coach e-mailed directions five times and everybody else managed to get there on time.
We are the parents who make the coach think really hard about retiring, the ones who always forget to pay our fees, who can never figure out how to download the applications, whose son’s shirt is the only one with chocolate ice cream stains on game day.
When the soccer coach’s son had a birthday party two weeks ago, we forgot to take our son. The next week there was a team bowling party. Guess who showed up late, in the middle of the first game?
What is wrong with us, I don’t know, and I keep waiting for the coach to fire us, which he doesn’t and probably never will because – thank God – our son is a valuable contributor to the team.
The parents are not the team. We must all remember that.
Still, because I like to consider myself a pretty good citizen of the world, because I am not being a good citizen of this team, not to mention role model, because I can’t seem to keep myself from being the soccer parent from hell, no matter how many calendars, including my online calendar and even on my hand, that I write “Soccer game today!!” I search for the silver lining.
And here it is: With me and my husband on the team, all the other parents get to feel pretty good about themselves.
With us dragging up the rear, they get to feel downright perfect.
Even if they’re a little later than usual to the game, they know they can always look over their shoulders from their little portable chairs and say, “Here come those Hook slackers.”
Ah. I feel better now.
- Debra-Lynn
P.S. Read this article on the Top Ten Things Soccer Parents Should Do
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Dear Debra Lynn,
It seems like you have great self-knowledge, but after confession one really does need to try not to repeat the sins.
Coaching 10-15 kids in a practice, or coaching a game can be quite a challenge. In soccer, success or failure always relies on all the players. Plans and strategies fail when Timmy does not show up on time to play his role – and not seeing Timmy there at the appointed hour, the coach re-plans on the fly, an equation with at least 11 independent variables, and sets in motion the revised plan, only to have Timmy show up last minute or late and expect to be included in the new plan. The little stuff does really matter.
But not all soccer commitments are the same. It is much less a sin to show up late to a soccer party (who cares!) than a soccer practice; and coming late or even missing a soccer practice is no where near the crisis coming late to a soccer game causes.
Good coaches will sometimes spend hours working out a practice plan or strategizing positions and substitute schema for a game, only to have to throw it all away because Timmy couldn’t find his cleats.
So you might want to decide if that this soccer thing has value/importance, or admit to yourself it doesn’t and blow it off. Sure your Timmy is a valuable player, but he sees and will key off of how (not) seriously you take the sport/commitment, his potential is limited by how you treat it.
That you don’t feel the urge to yell from the sidelines may speak to your lack of passion for the sport. It is fairly common in a demographic raised on baseball and football.
Not that I’m better. I was taught about soccer by my sons’ involvement and I’ve become, over time, a big fan of this sport. I committed all the big sins way too many times. I suffered badly, too, when the shoe was on the other foot as coach. Now I get it, and I stress to get my younger son on time to every practice and game.
My sons, especially my younger son, grew to love the sport. And my younger son is good, he relishes the joy in it, playing soccer is one of the bright lights in his life — and he could go on, perhaps, to even play in college, who knows?
Still, in our house it is up to me to get him there on time, as my lovely wife doesn’t quite take it as seriously.
Have fun! – in parenting and soccer…
Since it is a bit of an intellectual sport (seriously), you might want to consider becoming a coach – that was the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
cheers
EP
EP – I dont think its fair for you to tell Debra that she has no passion when you dont even know her or anything about her lifestyle. Nor is it fair of you to assume that her child will pick up on it and that his “potential is limited by how she treats it.” Thats a bunch of BS.
Debra – I am also late to kids practices every once in awhile and the kids understand and so does the coach. Its life. And as a working Mom, only like 5 percent of the other Moms are working Moms, sometimes you just aren’t on time when you try to be. I have heard and seen much worse so give yourself a break!
I’m not a soccer dad, nor a parent at all. I’m fairly young and have absolutely no experience with the vigor of raising a family. I’m just a random person that landed on your site and decided to listen to what you had to say.
I’m unsure of what type of feedback you’re looking for on an article like this. Positive feedback or maybe a critique of your character? Regardless, I’ll speak my mind based purely on the fact that there is an option to comment so I can be sure you’re expecting people to do just that.
Would you consider yourself successful at what you do in your life? Be it your career, raising your family, a faith, or whatever the case may be. It seems to me, that if you have other areas in your life that you treat as if it were your son’s soccer you would be an utter failure and a disgrace to your family. Not to mention the role model your being for your son—it’s okay to be incompetent, other people will take care of you.
The only thing I would consider worse than your parenting skills in this little read are the parenting skills of those who put their son (the goalie) in your care.
If your son doesn’t enjoy the game, don’t force him to play. If he does enjoy the game and you’re doing these things just because of your own lack of respect toward yourself or your children I would hope you come to your senses. You acting like a grown third grader when it comes to your son’s activities and pleasures show a level of self indulgence I’m rarely able to find.
To commend you, this article definitely pulled at my emotions. I was fairly upset within the first few paragraphs over the way you treat other people, which is for better or worse the sign of a good blog. Good luck to you.
You know, not everyone can be superman/superwoman.
I think you are far more normal as humans than you’re giving yourselves credit for. People can judge you all they want but you know what, it’s better than being overscheduled and having your son think that the world ends because you were 20 minutes late.
Cause those kids, the ones with the perfect mommies and daddies? They kill themselves cause they can’t measure up. Or they’re depressed. Or they cut themselves.
Far better to be imperfect. As long as your son knows you’re trying and you’re doing the best you can, so he can enjoy himself and participate and do what he loves, that’s the best parenting ever.
I hope my kids never, ever join a sport like this. People don’t realize how hard it can be to do it all! I feel for you Debra. You have a household to manage, not to mention any outside responsibilities. Team sports demand an outrageous amount of time from a parent. You are not disrespecting your son. I can’t believe people think it’s okay to completely tear someone down simply because they’re on the internet! If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at! Being a complete a@@hat is much worse parenting than not getting your kid to soccor on time.
People dont understand how hard it is to run a home and run all your kids around at the same time. Dont EVER let any nutjob on a blog tell you that you are a bad parent becuase you are late to a few soccer games. It seems like the moms commenting can sympathize with you.
Find the one or two sports or activities your kid enjoys and forget the rest.
I find your actions totally rude, but more than that I feel sorry for your child. How does he feel being late to games, missing parties, and being stranded at practice? I am a mom with three kids going every which way, so I understand the hectic schedule thing. You either need to get it together or rethink the current schedule.
Oh, you’d drive me insane.
But then I’d probably just start driving your kids myself…
Okay, people get a little bent out of shape about soccer here. Geez. If it makes you feel any better, I’m the bad soccer mom too. I’m just pulled in lots of directions and, while I try my best, sometimes things get a bit hectic and disorganized. But I do try to teach my kids the importance of responsibility and teamwork. I require them to attend practice and we do our part to bring the designated snacks, etc. You’re doing just fine!
You probably have also aided all the parents to getting a long and sticking together from all their complaining about your actions. You are right, you are definitely making them feel like they are the perfect parents.
Unfortunately I have the same traits and never make it anywhere on time these days. Always seems like there just isn’t enough hours in the day anymore. Maybe it’s a part of us getting old…..
I’m shocked at how rude some of these commenters are. Seriously, comments like:
“The only thing I would consider worse than your parenting skills in this little read are the parenting skills of those who put their son (the goalie) in your care.”
Seriously? She’s a bad parent because she’s late? Wow, it must be nice to live in that little world where people can make judgments about a person’s character and parenting skills based on a few paragraphs. I’ve got an idea; how about we examine YOUR life based on the same thing?
I’d be the same way if my older son was involved in any sports. As it was, last year when he was in Cub Scouts we were occasionally late, but y’know what? There were plenty of other people who had the same problem. It’s called life circumstances get in the way, and as hard as parents try, *audible gasp* they’re not perfect!
Far be it from me to expect compassion on the internet, though.
To the poster: I understand. What are ya gonna do, y’know? No matter what precautions you take, something else gets in the way. Heck, between me and my husband you’d think we could remember something like me having physical therapy, but no… he somehow lost a day and I thought PT was on Thursday, not Wednesday. It happens. Not the end of the world, contrary to what some people seem to think. You just keep on doin’ your best, same as everyone.
Man I know how hard my wife has it running the kids to eight different sports and dance lessons and practices and trying to work from home at the same time. I think people like the Jarad Johnson’s (above) of the world are judgmentall a-holes who dont have kids.
Interesting reaction to my comment, I guess I didn’t realize I was being that rude. I was simply commenting on exactly what was said, that she was unable to find the location after someone went out of their way to give them the exact instructions on how to get there. Having said that about herself she couldn’t possibly expect everyone to do back flips over her actions. Am I right Debra-Lynn?
I was fortunate enough to have parents that would do anything to make it to my events while I was growing up. To the point that my father drove back from a business trip without sleeping to see me play. That, to me, is what a parent should do for a child.
I have chosen to not have children because I’m not ready in my life. If you’re going to publicly talk about your lack of responsibility in your private life online and request that people comment, it’s my opinion that you would expect some negative reactions. If I’m wrong, I apologize for my comments and welcome them being removed by the administrator.
guess it’s time for me to weigh in, even though as a journalist and family life columnist for 20 years, not to mention a mother, I’ve learned to let things play out without my commenting, especially when they’ve gotten ugly. At some point, we as parents poke fun at ourselves, put ourselves out there as bumbling idiots because that’s what we feel like at times, and that is exactly what I feel like when it comes to this soccer team. I don’t know why after 20 years of parenting three children, suddenly this soccer team bears the brunt of the effects of aging, for one thing, not to mention juggling and helping to manage the lives of three very active children. I never wanted to be one of those parents I, too, love to hate, those parents who seem to enjoy a sense of entitlement, who are laissez faire about their foibles, mishaps and trip-ups and expect other parents to pick up the slack. I suppose that’s the way this blog entry came off, which makes me feel like a pretty poor writer, frankly, as opposed to a poor parent, which I’m not. Let me just tell everyone who wrote in that I sent this blog entry to all the people on our soccer team. One of the two coaches e-mailed me back “You are NOT the parents from hell.” Another parent, the parent of triplets who play on the team said, “I feel exactly like you do, Debra-Lynn, only not with so much humor.” Another, the parent of the goalie that I had in my car that day, said, “I laughed out loud for a full five minutes,” partly, I think, because she runs as late as I do. (I just don’t pay attention because I’m too busy feeling like a bad mother at the time.) I wrote this blog entry with hopes, truly, of helping others know they are not alone. I’m glad to have the good dialogue, which is the very fruit of a good blog. There is a difference, however, in my opinion, between constructive understanding and downright character attacks in a blog. Jarrad, your comments were mild, compared to some of the others further down. While, as I say, good dialogue is the fruit of blogs, character attacks sometimes serve the purpose of making the blogger step back and be much more careful about how they express their bumblings, which doesn’t serve the parenting or blog community very well. I have much more to say to the moms who expressed solidarity and commonality, but I fear that I will sound defensive, which is why I’m going to stop now. One thing I can suggest, to those of you who want a fuller view of me as a parent and a citizen of the world, you might want to take a deeper look at my other entries on this blog. All best to all. Keep reading us!
Oops. I made a mistake. Actually, Jarad’s comments were the ones that constituted a character attack. In composing the above message, I had confused Jarad’s with the very first comment from EP. I will not respond in defense, as I find it serves nothing. All’s well.
I’m the crazy parent who has everything done on time and gets to appointments on time.
My friend is the parent that is almost always late everywhere and tends to miss her appointments.
The difference between us isn’t who can make it somewhere on time and who can’t, the difference is by 2 children. I have 1, she has 3. I would never want to have to organize a bunch of kids to go anywhere, and if I did, I would almost always forget something or end up late to an appointment.
Being late to a soccer game is not bad parenting. It’s called being a parent trying to balance life and schedules.
My parents always found time to be there for me for my events too, but I’m the last person who will damn someone for managing to handle the schedules of 3 children, work, and have an outside life. No… mistakes and all Debra-Lynn is a supermom already.
I coach a couple soccer teams and volunteer my time as a board member of our local soccer organization. I do it because it lets me spend more time with my children, and because it makes me feel great to be involved in the community. It takes a large amount of time and effort during practices and games as well as after.
It is frustrating to me when parents don’t at least meet some minimum requirements like showing up at games 15-20 minutes early. The earlier aggravated post from that soccer coach was accurate. I will spend hours planning a strategy and roster only to have it thrown to the winds when someone doesn’t show.
I’m not going to tell them they are bad parents, but I would ask them to show more commitment to the team. Otherwise, I feel they don’t respect me, the other parents, or the kids on the team.
Let’s talk about the solution though not just the problem…planning is the key…figure out a day ahead of time your schedule…what field, what time, who’s driving. 99 out of 100 times I’d be happy to drive one of the kids to the game…but you need to make that call. You need to think ahead.
In my opinion, that’s not a lot to ask.
Excellent advice, Chris. Thank you for your productive,constructive and level-headed comments.
Thank you for sharing your honest experience.
Most people present themselves as pretty darn close to perfect and without flaws. When most people share their flaws, it is tempered with a clear qualifier (e.g., the neighbor is a booger, the teacher is a tyrant, but it isn’t “ME”).
I deeply appreciate your candor. Regardless of my opinions or advice about how to (or how not to) manager your life (because it is YOUR life, not mine), I feel gratitude for your sincere honesty.
Thank you.