When doling out anything to multiple little people, I often say, “same, same” to hopefully eliminate any comparisons and jealousy. I’ve done it for years and am not sure exactly how it started.

Just yesterday, I caught myself saying it as I handed out juice boxes to my nieces and my daughter. I’ve probably said it a million times, but every once in a while I actually hear myself and wonder if I’m doing the right thing by trying to make everything equal.

Maybe I should say to the preschool crowd, “you have orange juice and you have grape, and that’s the way it is. It’s okay to have different drinks and they’re both just great.” Then when they start whining and crying because they want what they don’t have, it would serve as a life lesson. I could add, “Get used to it because life is complicated, messy, and definitely not fair.”

I remember going to a boyfriend’s house for Christmas and being amazed to see that his mother had the exact same number of boxes for each of her four grown children. She told me that she had always done that in order to be fair. 

That’s “same, same” to the extreme. 

Likewise, I have a friend who actually counts the M&M’s she places in Easter baskets.  Come on. I think we can all agree that’s a bit over the top.

Yesterday, I took my three daughters school shopping. My oldest daughter needed the most new clothing simply because no older siblings are passing them down to her. It’s definitely not “same, same” and my middle daughter noticed it.

So bottom line, I’m not exactly sure how much parents should make everything equal and how much we should expect children to understand that life isn’t exactly fair all of the time. It’s a hard lesson even as adults. When I swim in my brother’s beautiful in-ground pool, I can’t help but feel a twinge of that old childhood sibling rivalry. “Why does he get this great pool, and not me?” Honestly, I’m happy for him. But, it is a great pool.

For what it’s worth, here are a few lessons I’ve learned over the years about trying to treat children equally.

• It’s impossible to keep everything exactly equal so don’t try. You’ll drive yourself crazy and actually cause your children to make more comparisons, not fewer. It promotes greed and dissatisfaction. Instead, say, “everybody in our family gets what they need.” I used this line on my daughter while shopping yesterday and surprisingly she dropped the subject. She knows she has all of the clothes (and more) that she needs for school, and her older sister does not.

• Don’t announce discrepancies. I’m sure my soccer-loving daughter would feel a bit jealous if she realized how much dance lessons cost for her sister. But, there is no need for either daughter to know that information. They are both content with their activities and that’s the goal. Right?

• If you have a child who always seems to feel neglected or jealous, give him or her more time and attention. That’s what it’s usually really about. Not stuff.

I do think it’s fine to say “same, same” to young children when handing out inconsequential things like drinks or crayons. But, as our children get older we really don’t want them to strive to be just like everyone else in all situations. And we certainly don’t want them to feel jealous of those who have more or better. So, rather than concentrating on creating an identical experience, focus on meeting the needs of each individual child in your home.

-Kay

According to Gary Chapman’s book, Five Languages of Love, there are five different ways in which love is communicated or understood by others. We each have a preferred language (or two) that makes us feel loved. The book is really interesting both for personal insight and for better understanding our children and spouses.

The five languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

The language of love that is most meaningful to my daughter, Grace, is touch. She literally hangs on me at times. She will get as close as humanly possible while sitting on the couch. Forget about personal space with Grace. If she loves you, there is no such thing.

My oldest, Emily, is a snuggler at times, but typically she’s on the move. When Emily was about 18 months, I would observe other toddlers. Many would sit contentedly on their mother’s lap or play by her feet.

Not the case with Emily. She was always ready for a party. Her first word was “hi” and she used it constantly to initiate interactions with most anyone. I was always trailing along behind her and I used to look longingly at other families, sitting, and think how nice it would be to just relax with my child.

Then along came Grace. Grace always wanted to sit on my lap or ride around on my hip. She loved (and still does) rocking and having her arm scratched or back rubbed. In social situations, I had to coax her to join in with other children. If a stranger said hi to her or even smiled at her, she’d bury her face in my shoulder.

Having a child who is so physically connected and affectionate is primarily a wonderful thing. I love her long hugs (she’s almost as tall as I am now) and her sweet “Gracie” smell. However, and I hate to admit this, there are times I just want to scream, “Don’t touch me!” This applies to all of my children and husband, too. It’s just that for each hug they give me, Grace probably gives me ten.

Here are a few of the times where hugs are not highly appreciated:

• Hot, humid summer days. Having a kid flop onto my lap is like stepping into a sauna (which I hate).

• When I’m standing and talking to an acquaintance. Grace will just lean into me. Nice and loving but frankly annoying.

• When I’m on the phone with an insurance agent, doctor, billing department or any other phone call I dread. It’s almost like I can’t focus when someone is physically distracting me.

• When I’ve had an emotionally draining day due to squabbles, whining, and sibling nonsense. At the end of the day, I need to be “by myself” even if I’m sitting in the same room with others.

If you have a child who you know is powered by physical touch, here are some things to be aware of:

• Make sure you initiate lots of the hugging and touching. I can tell Grace 100 times a day that I love her but until I give her a squeeze, I don’t think she feels it.

• If you and your “touchy” child are not connecting well for some reason, hug him or her, even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing. When Grace is pushing all of my buttons, if I can slow down enough to give her a giant hug, it recenters her and is a giant mood adjuster. For me, too.

• Talk to your child about how they’re wired. It’s empowering for kids to understand themselves and why they might feel a certain way.

Grace left this morning with her best friend to go to Cedar Point Amusement Park. I already crave a giant Gracie hug and love knowing that the moment I see her again, I’ll get one.

-Kay

One of my daughters is shy. At times, painfully so. When she was in 1st grade, I would pick her up from Brownies and would almost always find her sitting alone while all of the other scouts were running around. It broke my heart. Eventually, we dropped Brownies as it seemed to be accentuating her shyness rather than helping her to make friends, as we had hoped.

My husband and I wanted to intervene and assist our daughter in any way that we could. The sooner, the better. We all know that once a child is “labeled” by peers in a certain manner, it’s extremely difficult to change that perception. We didn’t want our daughter to go through school (and life) feeling insecure and trying to avoid attention. We all want our children to bloom and to feel comfortable sharing their unique, wonderful selves with others.

What’s a parent to do? Here are my thoughts.

• Talk to a school counselor. The counselor at my daughter’s school regularly meets with small groups of students to address issues like friendship-making and confidence-building. We opted to wait to see if we could address the issue in other ways before trying counseling but we were prepared to go that route, if necessary.

• Talk to your child’s teacher. My daughter had a wonderful 1st grade teacher who helped tremendously with confidence-building. Request future teachers, if permissible in your school district. After my daughter had a mediocre 2nd grade experience, I requested a 3rd grade teacher who is extremely nurturing and gifted at creating a classroom climate of acceptance. If you’re not familiar with specific teachers, talk to the building principal about your child’s needs.

• Arrange play dates. I made a concerted effort to do so when I realized that my daughter wasn’t making friends on her own. Having one person over to our house at a time allowed her to get to know some girls better in a secure environment. After playing together, her new friends started seeking her out at school and including her in group activities.

• Join a theater group. I would never, ever have thought this was a good idea for my daughter but it has been life changing for her. It was her 1st grade teacher’s idea (I love that lady). My daughter just completed her 3rd year performing in a summer theater production. The first year, it was a big deal for her just to walk on stage. This year, she was able to sing, dance, and say lines on stage. Was she nervous? Of course. Was she amazing? Absolutely. We took tons of pictures and shared them with family on Webshots.

• Avoid labeling. I could kick myself for doing this when my daughter was young. I used to periodically describe my daughter as being shy in her presence. For example, if a stranger said hello to her and she looked away, I would explain, “she’s just shy.” I unintentionally contributed to her shyness by labeling her as such and also excused behavior that wasn’t good training for her future.

My mother, Joan, tells a story about her own childhood. She has one sister named Norma and when her father would introduce them he would say, “This is Joan, my smart daughter, and this is Norma, my pretty daughter.

Now my grandfather, a nice man, believed that he was complimenting both of his daughters. But that’s not what they heard. My mother grew up thinking that she wasn’t very pretty and my aunt grew up thinking that she wasn’t very smart. That’s the destructive power of labels. It’s scary how careful we need to be with language.

My daughter is soon entering 4th grade. She is a self-assured, friendly 9-year-old who makes eye contact and smiles when she meets new people. As her mom, I realize that she still struggles with shyness at times, but it’s not something I say out loud.

-Kay

As I logged in today with my usual start up routine: check three versions of my horoscope, skim headlines on My Yahoo!, and consume my large coffee, I saw more stories about how bad things are. I don’t think it is my personal circumstance that is coloring what I am seeing, but moreso the fact that lots of people are in the same boat.

The headlines are about the hardest hit cities by the downturn in the economy… guess who lives smack in the middle of it? Yep.

But it’s always been that way… the “ Rust Belt” hasn’t been prosperous for a LOOOONG time. The internet boom certainly helped, but with that burst it has been hard to keep the local economy going.

As I was getting ready to write my post I checked in on some other mom bloggers and realized how many of them are making ends meet through writing from home. Even two incomes are being augmented by night jobs and evening gigs. The bummer about it is that people aren’t working this hard to buy the big family vacation or new RV, they are working to pay for gas, heat, electric and other things that have just sky-rocketed in cost.

My family isn’t immune to this either. We have found Craigslist to be quite helpful in clearing out clutter and generating some needed cash. There is a lot of cool stuff on Craigslist: jobs, junk, sweet collectibles and the “ Best of Craigslist” which is some of the best cheap entertainment I’ve seen.

I am all about the cheap entertainment these days. We’ve been doing a lot of low-dough activities all summer. Camping in the backyard instead of heading out to Jellystone Park - which was a family favorite last year - cause gas is too pricy to tow a camper. Thanks to our sweet Father’s Day gift, we do have a small inflatable pool which keeps the kids cool and happy through the days.

All in all I can’t complain because we’ve been spending more time playing board games and doing other activities with the kids. We move our family game time to the rec room downstairs since it is nice and cool (and we have the air conditioning off). We’ve taught the kids to appreciate special dinners out and trips to the mall.

They are learning to save their money for stuff they really want. Our economic downturn doesn’t have an impact even close to that the Great Depression had on our grandparents, like saving bread bags and every container for reuse later, but I think it will make them think before they frivolously spend all of their cash.

My only wish is that money wasn’t so damn necessary to just live. We’ve talked a lot about installing some solar panels and making other home improvements that would make us less reliant on paid utilities. That is something that I would love to teach my kids and would make me proud to hand down.

I think that will be my goal for the upcoming months and new year… get green to save some. Yeah!

- Holly

Whenever I smell certain spices, I think of my great grandmother.

Big Mama we called her, indeed a large woman whose parents immigrated from Lebanon to South Carolina in the early 1900s, bringing with them the rich food of the Middle East and a passion for cooking it.

I smell turmeric or cumin, and I am transported to Big Mama’s kitchen, a cavernous room that contained not one, but two refrigerators, not one, but two stoves, on top of which always sat two jars wrapped in towels, fermenting into homemade yogurt. The Lebanese call it Laban — a condiment like catsup that adorns every plate of Lebanese fare.

I smell mint and I see Big Mama again, shuffling over to the second oven and with a paddle board on a long handle, pulling out two round, homemade “ pie breads” — what they call pita bread now. Hers were better. They were more flour-y, less processed and big as pizza dough, nothing like the small, factory-made pita breads we buy packaged at the grocery store now.

I smell cloves or allspice and I remember Big Mama’s thin, silver hair slipped into a bun at her nape, her heavy, maternal body contained in a dark silk dress. She is sitting at her kitchen table with her feet shoulder-width apart and solid on the ground, her stockings rolled to just above her black laced shoes. The bottoms of her heavy arms flap as she uses a large wooden pestle to pound allspice into lamb and cracked wheat for the raw meat dish, Kibbeh.

Reviving the Lost Art of Cooking

Remembering the images and smells of Big Mama’s kitchen makes me long for a time when the experience of food was as much about the preparation as it was the eating of it.

And so from time to time I buy all the ingredients – with some modern-day tweaking - for grape leaves. Where Big Mama used lamb and plain white rice, I substitute chopped chick peas, roasted pine nuts and Basmati rice. I throw in chopped mint, dill and parsley - growing tangled in the side yard. I add the other common Mediterranean ingredients - lemon, olive oil, sauteed onion and garlic and a bit of allspice.

I assemble everything on the table. And then I call to my 16-year-old daughter.

“Time to roll!”

Emily never met her great-great grandmother.

She died 10 years before Emily was born.

But Emily, an introspective teenager, already knows that rolling grape leaves with her mother in the kitchen is more than just the act itself.

And so she leaves her text messaging, her IM graphics fun, her CDs, her soccer practices, her relationship intrigue and all that preoccupies a teenager’s life. And she rushes to join her mother, where together, we will make her own memories of allspice and rolling grape leaves in the kitchen.

Here’s how to make grape leaves:

Pinch off a stem. Lay the leaf vein side up. Smooth the leaf with the fingers. Spoon a teaspoon of stuffing mixture onto the leaf near the stem end. Roll the leaf from stem to center. Fold in the sides. Roll to the end.

Place the stuffed rolls next to each other, like sardines, in a large skillet that has been lined with torn leaves to keep the rolls from sticking to the bottom of the pan. Drizzle the grape leaves with more lemon and olive oil. Add water to cover, then lay a plate on top of the rolls, to keep the rolls from unraveling.

Place a small pot or something else heavy on top of the plate, to keep the plate and the rolls in place while they are cooking. Simmer 45 minutes. Remove grape leaves from pan and put in a separate dish. Drizzle more olive oil and lemon over the top. Place grape leaves in refrigerator to chill.

Emily and I always chill our grape leaves. While I have certainly seen grape leaves served warm at Mediterranean-style American restaurants, chilled is how Big Mama always served them.

- Debra-Lynn

P.S. - For a recipe close to the one that Emily and I have tweaked, click here.

I am fairly new to blogging but an old hand at parenting, not that it makes it easier, mind you. I’ve been raising my step daughters and my own daughter for over 13 years now and only as I have been blogging have I become more aware of some things that concern me.

Ever since I started sharing in the parenting of my oldest stepdaughters, I knew I was a little different from today’s mainstream parents. First, I was rather young at 22 to be parenting at all, but in many ways it helped me grow up, parent myself and move officially into adulthood. Since I didn’t hang out with other parents and since I didn’t really know what I was “supposed” to be doing, I just went with my gut.

It worked out well and I really just followed the golden rule and treated the children the way I wanted to be treated, but with a healthy dose of making sure they treated me (and other adults) with the respect I wanted. This kept things really friendly, non-confrontational, but with solid boundaries. Our kids respected me as a parent but we weren’t BFFs, which as I meet more parents now, I know is a critical thing.

I have been reading other blogs and have found a couple that I really like. SundryMourning.com is very well-written and appeals to my practical parenting style. I completely relate to this mom and find myself cheering for her at every turn. She is definitely doing it herself – meaning she has the love and support of her family, but she is taking life as it comes and making great decisions and judgment calls of her own. You go, Mom!

The other I really like is written by a dad blogger. The blog DadGoneMad is another well-written favorite of mine. I like reading the dad perspective and he, too is just doing his best to raise his children and be a good husband. He is most definitely a writer first and blogger second, but that is a compliment coming from me. I’d love to have the wit and wisdom flow like butta’ but it just doesn’t always work out that way for me.

I mention these two great blogs (imho), because as I was reading around the blogosphere looking at what other parents are dishing about, I had a sad ‘a-ha’ moment. Maybe it is because I am worried about the sturdiness of my kids, or the lack of stoicism in our culture overall, but it hit me.

Many of we Americans complain A LOT, and in front of EVERYBODY, including our kids.

I spent time watching TV with the older girls, and it was there… trite drama in every reality show. I watched the little girls’ shows and those were a little better, but heck, they were animated. Then today as I was reading around, I came across a mom blog in which the last 8 posts, yes EIGHT of them, were utterly dedicated to her having a cold. She spent over a week and thousands of words on complaining about being sick.

Okay, I know being sick sucks, but that’s a lot of energy being spent on feeling sick.
What worries me is that I realize that I do it, too. I get a sore back or aching feet or allergies or whatever, and I talk about it. Maybe too much. I watch our kids and what they see and hear, and it seems a good portion of their day is spent telling me about their aches, pains and boo-boos.

Perhaps it is the age, but as I’ve watched our now adult-girls mature, I see how stress is manifesting as ‘sickness’ and how much time they spend focusing on it. I’d rather see them focus on solutions or talking about what’s really bothering them so they can truly feel better.

I am grateful for the perspective now so I can adjust and do things better for the younger kids. I also hope entertainment and our culture takes a new turn toward strength and reliance. Until then, I think some Survivor Man is in order. Won’t the kids thrilled?!

- Holly

One of the balancing acts of parenting involves knowing when to encourage your kids to stay with something that’s hard and when to help them let it go, when to advocate for them and when to keep your mouth shut.

Case in point: My 11-year-old was enrolled in a two-week theater camp where he was singing, dancing and acting in three or four different scenes of a play to be performed at the end of the camp along with 150 other kids. The first day I picked him up from theater camp, I asked him how it was.

“Great,” he said.

“Except for that hula dance,” he said, clearly uncomfortable and embarrassed. “I’m the only older boy. Everybody else is little girls and little boys and they’re all giggling and acting silly. I wish I didn’t have to do it.”

I told him I was sorry but the camp brochure said “Kids should be willing to try new things.” We drove on home.

On the second day and the third, then, he said the same thing as his discomfort seemed to be increasing.

“Mom, will you ask that I not have to do the hula dance?”

On the One Hand This, On the Other Hand, That

Here was a child who signed up for theater camp and trying new things.

Here was a child among 150. The director didn’t have time to cater to every need.

Here, too, was a child who did try the new thing.

But he didn’t like it.

Here was a pre-teen boy, on the cusp of puberty, who seemed from his mother’s point of view to be experiencing genuine shame at the thoughts of playing cutesy with a group of first- and second-graders, most of them girls.

And so with my son beside me – I insisted that he had to participate in the process - I approached his teacher.

I told her while I was not the kind of parent who coddled the whims of her children, this particular dance seemed to be causing distress for this particular child. I made it clear that I am not the kind of parent who believes her child has to excel at everything, be happy all the time and never do anything they don’t want to do. I told her I even respected the fact that she might not be able to change anything. I simply owed it to my child to honor his feelings by bringing them to her attention.

The next day the teacher pulled Benjie out of the dance, but not before telling me this was the first time in the history of the camp that any kid had asked to be pulled out of a dance and that she didn’t think she could find another scene he could be in — even though she did find another dance that day.

She clearly was not happy.

I still think I did the right thing by my son.

What do you think?

–Debra-Lynn

My family just came back from our 2nd annual “week at the lake” with extended family. We’ve wanted to do this for many years but between weddings, pregnancies, and tight finances, it just never seemed to be the right summer to start this tradition.

Finally, after realizing that if we waited too much longer, the oldest cousins wouldn’t even want to go on some dorky family trip, I picked a location and a date. I shared the information with my parents and siblings but was determined to start the yearly tradition with or without them.

I was thrilled when my parents and both of my sisters’ families decided to join us. Let me share a few perks of group vacations.

1. You save a ton of money! Our cabin was $1,300 per week. Dividing that number by four families made our vacation easier to handle financially.

2. Free babysitting! Being around other adults who love your children provides opportunities to have some quiet time or adult time. The men caught a movie during our vacation and my husband and I were able to check out some of the local talent at an art gallery without kids.

3. The workload is shared. With four women (sorry to stereotype, but that’s the reality when my family gathers), cleaning up after dinner is a snap. In addition, both of my sisters don’t hesitate to throw another kid into the bathtub while bathing their own or recruiting extra cousins on hikes. My mother washed, dried, and folded all of my dirty laundry. It was a beautiful thing.

4. You have less to pack. We were able to fit our three children, clothes, and all of our vacation stuff into our van with room to spare. Before vacation, we split up the list to avoid duplicating and to simplify packing. For example, I brought sand toys, my sister brought games, and my mother brought matches.

5. You can share the food. Make a menu together beforehand and divvy up the items. We worked it out based upon our schedules and shopping preferences. We all saved our receipts, added up the damage, and divided the total bill equally. We briefly considered taking into account family size but that was just too complicated. Plus, we all know that kids never seem to really eat (just endless snacking) while on vacation. Anyways, we’re family. In the end, it all works out. Creating a menu and doing the shopping separately took some organization but in the long run saved time and money. And who really wants to end up with four bottles of ketchup?

6. Lots of photos! With so many adults snapping photos, we end up with more winning shots. Each December we create a photo calendar, using Photoworks, with the best of that year’s pictures to distribute to all of the families.

7. Relationships are built. This is by far the most important and was my motivation for wanting to start this tradition in the first place. As toddlers, my kids have all enjoyed listing on their chubby little fingers all of the people who love them. “Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Holly, Aunt Katie, Uncle Chris,” and on and on. What a comfort for my children to feel so surrounded by love.

Now, lest you think we’re a perfect family, we’re not. I believe we’re a spectacular family but we’re also very normal. Being human, we get mildly annoyed with each other during the week over silly, petty stuff.

“Shhh…the baby’s sleeping.”
“Who got the floor all wet?”
“Did someone eat all of the cookies?”

Isn’t resolving minor conflicts with others a lesson we want to teach our children? What better way than seeing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins figure out the give and take of loving relationships…?

Now that’s a beautiful thing! Even better than clean laundry!

-Kay

It’s funny. When I was a senior in high school dreaming about my future and leafing through college pamphlets, I never, ever predicted that one day I would be a glorified cleaning woman who does a little cooking on the side. I’m not complaining. When I wake up each morning, I have tons of choices. Laundry, vacuum, clean toilets…the list is endless.

Summer vacation definitely adds to my cleaning options as there are wet swimming suits on the floor, sand in sneakers, and my school-aged children are at home contributing to our huge collection of crumbs on my kitchen counters and floor.

I do have chores for my children during summertime but the amount of work they complete doesn’t even come close to equaling the amount of mess they produce. There’s a math equation there somewhere. Something like this:

1 child minus 30 minutes of chores plus 60 million messes=1 tired mother

Don’t despair as I do have a few cleaning tips for busy moms!

1. A 10-minute family clean up. Set the timer and then everyone runs around for 10 minutes picking up stuff, running the vacuum, whatever. It’s amazing what can be accomplished. This is my personal favorite way to make a big impression in a little bit of time. 

2. Use shortcuts. Keep Clorox Disinfecting Wipes or LYSOL Disinfecting Wipes on hand to wipe down sink and toilet.  ( Pledge and Windex also sell wipes for quick cleaning.) Obviously, young children should not handle cleaning wipes but I let my five-year-old “help” with a baby wipe. Always have lots of paper towels on hand. An easy mop to use is the Ready Mop by Clorox. The Magic Eraser is great for getting marks off of your walls.

3. Take care of little messes before they grow. Instead of piling dishes in your sink, stick them right into the dishwasher. Train kids to do this at about four-years-old.  My kids are programmed to put their dishes immediately into dishwasher (still working on husband). Keep the laundry going throughout the day rather than letting it become a huge task. Vacuum everyday at least once. Clean as you go when preparing meals so kitchen never becomes a disaster area.

4. Label shelves in your linen closet and pantry so items always have their place.  This is great for kids when they’re learning to help put things away.

5. Put a damp washcloth in your microwave for 30 seconds. The steam from the washcloth will help loosen any stuck on food particles for an easy wipe down.

6. Keep a piece of aluminum foil on the bottom of your oven so that any drips fall onto the foil rather than into your oven.

7. Train your kids to pick up one mess before they are allowed to go on to their next activity. Baskets, storage bins, labeled shelves all make this easier for kids to handle successfully.

8. Invest in items that make a difference. I finally purchased a heavy-duty vacuum and it is so much better at picking up dirt and dog hair than the cheapo one I lived with before. I sprang for a Kenmore Progressive vacuum ( Consumer Report pick) that runs for about $300. My other recent splurge is a Simple Human trashcan. It makes my kitchen look neater and trash easier to deal with.

Finally, kick your kids outside! I remember my mother forcing me to go outside against my will and I believe those are the summer days I remember most fondly. I certainly don’t remember the hours I wasted watching TV or draped on the couch complaining of being bored. I do remember exploring, swimming, and running around at dusk. 

Best of all, your kids can’t mess up the house when they’re outside!

-Kay

I had a wonderful experience this week. I went to the hair salon! I had my hair cut and highlighted while chatting, sipping on a Diet Coke, and getting an opportunity to mindlessly leaf through a People Magazine. Bliss for any busy mother.

I rarely take the time, like many stay-at-home mothers, to pamper myself. Combine that with the fact that Chrissie, my favorite hairdresser, has been on maternity leave for six months and the end result was a very shaggy look for me.

Thankfully, Chrissie is back. After hugging her and oohing and ahhing over baby pictures, we got down to business. While snipping away, we fell into that familiar “Mommy” conversation about sleeping through the night, breastfeeding, pooping, all the good stuff.

Several times, I bit my tongue rather than blurting out something that might sound patronizing to a new mom. Things like, “You don’t really need all of the Baby Einstein videos.” She seriously is trying to get the entire collection.

Sometimes, I have a hard time remembering what it was like being a new, first time mother. I vaguely remember tracking bowel movements and rigidly keeping to a sleeping schedule. Nothing was ever eaten off of the floor and I could speak knowledgeably on the pros and cons of almost every baby product on the market.

I remember asking my oldest daughter’s pediatrician (we interviewed four while I was still pregnant which is in itself a bit overboard, hindsight) what we needed to have in the house before she was born. He looked at me and said, “diapers, wipes, pajamas and a whole lot of love.” The simplicity of this appealed to me but I still ended up purchasing a bunch of stuff that was totally unnecessary.

So, I’m sitting in Chrissie’s chair feeling kind of smug because I’m oh so experienced at this parenting stuff. From my perspective, it seems foolish to stress about things like taking the pacifier away by a certain age. Believe me, it will happen eventually.

Then I recalled a conversation I’d had with my mother just the previous week. 

My oldest daughter, Emily, has the option of taking an accelerated class (okay, I’m bragging here) this coming school year. I’d love to see her go that route, as I believe it will do her the most good in the long run. However, she’s dying to take Spanish and she doesn’t have room in her schedule for both.

So, this to me is a big deal and I’ve been thinking about it way too much. After discussing it with my mother, probably mind-numbing for her, this was her shared wisdom.

“I’d let her take the Spanish. So many things just don’t matter.”

Now, lest you think my mother is a depressed, self-absorbed kind of woman, nothing could be further from the truth. She is a vibrant, joyful, active woman who has raised six children. She was just having the same reaction to me and my current parenting issues as I had to Chrissie’s baby issues.

Obviously, it’s beneficial to spend time thinking and planning about how best to parent. That is just a result of all that love my pediatrician was referencing. However, many of us need to relax a bit and and remember, “so many things just don’t matter.” Saturate your child with love and attention and the rest will work itself out. Really. That’s what I wanted to tell Chrissie and that’s the message I needed to hear, as well.

By the way, Emily is taking Spanish this fall.

-Kay