Things have been pretty crazy lately at our house. We’ve had many weekends of activities planned for the last month. We had the pleasure of my eldest stepdaughter visiting with us for a week. We had in-laws visiting, barbeques happening, end-of-summer parties, weddings and baby showers all in the last few weeks. All very fun, but whew! Kind of a LOT to do on top of raising three girls and working full-time for both of us.

I also should admit (although the header of “do it yourself mom” should be a good indicator) that I tend to try and do too much myself. Now I am by no means an anal-retentive super-cleaner or organizer. But I do tend to just take care of things because, in my head, it is just easier or quicker.

In the height of our busy and crazy schedule I was thankfully able to relearn that things are always better and even smoother if you just ask for help. At ages seven and eight, our younger girls are more than capable to pitch in. They have regular small chores which help a little each day, but in a pinch, they are really quite helpful. Actually, they are still young enough to think that some chores are fun because they haven’t been able to do them yet. “Yay dusting! Yay sweeping! Oooo, I get to use the mop!?! Oh yeah!”

The older girls, however, are a little more like husbands… they will do whatever you ask, just don’t expect them to know all that needs to get done. I gained a solid appreciation of this in the last couple of weeks. With one daughter at age 14 in the throes of hairstyles, new clothes, popularity and boys, she can sleep in a completely unmade bed for days before noticing. She has a list of chores as well, but unless you direct her completely consumed perception toward the list, it will just go undone.

I found myself in the middle of a pretty messy house, dinner guests coming, grocery shopping to do, laundry woefully behind and in a fairly lousy mood. In that mood, I start doing that martyr thing I can do so well. Starting to resent the fact that “I had to do it all” and no one seemed to notice. Then the dog-piling began and I started playing out the fight in my head that would come if I asked everyone to take something off my plate. Very unhappy place to be and I took myself there from zero to crappy in less than a minute.

Fortunately, my eldest was there and she has been reading that bulging vein in my forehead for years. She just started taking care of some small things and asked me what else she could do. She set a great example for both the younger girls but also for me. All I have to do is ask and I will get what I need. It was a blissfully refreshing moment and made me feel grateful and proud of my family. In less than an hour-and-a-half, the house was tidy, the dishes done and grocery shopping complete.

Sometimes I need a refresher course on parenting and it is always an unexpected surprise to receive it from my kids. I learned again that our kids would rather jump up and pitch in rather than see me run ragged all over the place stressing out. Neat, huh? I recommend that everyone try it.

- Holly

A few years ago, I realized how much food was NOT being consumed in my home. This big “A-HA” made me rethink dinner.

Aside from the annoying job of having to plan, purchase, cook and clean up dinner EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, it is even harder to make dinner one tiny notch above…well…boring.

One thing I do (which I suspect my friends admire, but most certainly razz me about) involves planning each meal BEFORE I go shopping. I found it saves me a LOT of money each week (because it prevents wasted food and it minimizes the number of times I need to drive to the grocery store).

So, here’s what I do. First, I have an overall plan. For example, Mondays are always chicken; Tuesdays are always some sort of beef roast; Wednesdays are always pasta….get the picture? OK. So then I take a moment to figure out what the heck I want to DO with the chicken on Monday and what side dishes I want with them.

To come up with ideas (and by all means, I do not follow these recipes step by step), I go to the  Food Network website, type in “chicken,” and then, of course, I click the “easy” button. Neat ideas pop-up and so I click through them.

This week, I found a great recipe for Garlic-Lime Chicken with Olives. Granted, it was a really nice recipe and it looked delicious. However, Monday came and we got home late. So, the creative plans I had for making a great meal had to be modified a tad [like most things when you’re a full-time working mom of two kids. You gotta adjust and manage].

So, the Garlic-Lime Chicken with Olives, turned into Garlic Chicken with Italian spices. Faster to figure out and it was gooooood. I think it was good because it was different. We tend to make the things we know, ya’ know? It’s easy to make baked chicken with lemon sauce because you’ve done it a million times. But it is worth venturing out and trying new combinations without making it a “task.”

Just add a twist (or delete one) from a recipe you’d like to try. Not only is it fun, it FEELS more organized and less wasteful for me. I like that.

Try it! Seek out new tastes. Introduce your kids to new tastes….it is worth a try for a week or two.

Tonight, I’m trying Panko Parmesan Crusted Chicken with Wasabi Tomato Sauce….doesn’t that sound great!! Wish me luck!

- Lisa

Even when I was a young girl, I knew that someday I wanted to get married and have children. I pictured going to my mother’s for Sunday pizza and my kids having sleepovers with cousins. I assumed my children would have close relationships with extended family. Just like I did.

Life is funny though.

I married a local boy. So far, so good as far as my plan went. Then we decided to move from New York to California so that my husband could attend Cal Arts and further his career. It would only be for two years. What an exciting adventure for a couple of newlyweds, and we’d still have plenty of time to move back East and start a family.

We rented a moving van, loaded up all of the wedding gifts, and drove West confident (as only young, childless people can be) that once we arrived in California, we’d find a job for me and a place for us to live.

Well, California was good to us. I found a great teaching job and the two years flew by. Then my husband was offered an artist position at Disney Animation Studios. This was a great opportunity and a lifetime dream for him, but definitely not part of my plan. After much thought, we decided to accept the job offer and stretch our adventure out for a few more years.

Ten years and three beautiful daughters later, we felt like it was “now or never” so we finally moved closer to all of those relatives. Not quite NY but much, much closer. We landed near Cleveland and my husband replaced Winnie The Pooh at Disney with The Care Bears at American Greetings.

So, what about my hopes for my children having close relationships with extended family? Remarkably, that part of my childhood plan did happen as I’d hoped. Despite the lack of physical proximity, my kids have wonderful, loving relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Here are my parenting tips for creating those bonds whether you live 3,000 miles away or up the street from your extended family.

• Display lots of framed pictures of your family or even snapshots on your refrigerator. Make sure that everyone is represented. Photo calendars made with family pictures (easy to do with Photoworks) are also great. When my oldest wasn’t yet two-years-old, she could accurately point to each of her numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents when I said the corresponding name.

• Put pictures in a Who Loves Baby? Photo Book or even in the free album you receive when you get photos developed. Let your child carry it around and “own it.”

• Put family photos on your screensaver as a slide show. My almost two-year-old niece, Sofia, has this at her house and calls it “her movie.” I love that she is forming an attachment to me even though I don’t see her as often as I’d like.

• My sister sings a made up “Love You” song with Sofia each night before bed. The words are “Grammy loves Sofia, Aunt Amy loves Sofia” and on and on. Sofia never leaves anyone out.

• Call about the big stuff and the little stuff. If my daughter wants to call Aunt Katie to tell her she lost a tooth, I encourage it. We also all call anyone celebrating a birthday. It’s a treat to be the center of attention for a whole day. It makes kids and grown-ups alike feel loved.

• Older nieces and nephews keep in touch through e-mail. They enjoy having their own addresses and send each other messages and eCards.

• Be creative. I ordered a subscription to Wild Animal Baby for Sofia so that each month when she receives it my sister can say, “Oh, look what Aunt Kay sent you! She must really love you.”

And I really do.

-Kay

My 11-year-old is my youngest child, which means he gets way too much leeway – at least according to my middle child, who keeps a scorecard in her head.

“See how you don’t make him clean his room, Mom?” my daughter says, shaking her head. “It’s always the youngest who gets special consideration.”

True enough, Benjie does get “special consideration” — if that’s how you want to characterize Mama Burnout or Mama Realizing, only after she raises a couple of kids, that a clean room does not necessarily make the child.

What my daughter doesn’t see her brother also get is short shrift.

Whereas she and her older brother had a Strawberry Shortcake childhood, complete with actual strawberry-picking at the local patch, actual blueberry-picking at the local farm, actual pumpkin-picking at the local farm, countless trips to the zoo and the woods, annual trips to the county fair, not to mention regular church attendance on Sunday, this child gets none of this.

As I said earlier, my youngest is just 11.

He still likes doing these things with me (except for church, which is another blog).

I often consider these things with him (except for church, which is also another blog).

But then, because I’m the busy “momanager” of three children, because I’ve increased my work load as the kids have gotten older, because I’m tired, because I’m old, because I’ve been doing kid stuff for 20 years and I’ve been there, done that, I often don’t deliver.

This summer, I told Benjie I was going to try my hardest to devote the last two weeks of school to the two of us doing fun end-of-summer things.

I gave him a list of five things – the zoo, the centennial farm, the nature museum, the water park, and biking on the trail. I told him to choose two. He chose the zoo and the nature museum. He was particularly excited about the zoo.

Guess how many we did?

Zero.

On the day before school started, with my guilty conscience working double-time despite the fact that I had work deadlines and was in the middle of a bathroom renovation, I took him putt-putting about six minutes from our house.

The whole thing, from the drive in the car, to the 18 holes, to the ice cream, lasted 49 minutes.

It nonetheless appeased him, particularly when placed in context with the monologue I delivered about how I really wanted to devote all this time to him at the end of the summer, but how my schedule got upturned and got the best of me.

But it didn’t appease me.

My words rang hollow in my own ears and continue to ring hollow two weeks after the start of school, which is why I decided just yesterday to drop a couple of big things from my schedule.

These schedule hogs include a writing class that I thought I really wanted to take, that I really thought I could make time for, that was instead taking up all my extra head space and ruining my list of priorities, to include being the mother of a young child who still likes doing things with me.

I dropped the class, then made a little note on my Thursday calendar.

On that day, I will drive to the school to pick up my son.

And together, we will go to the zoo.

- Debra-Lynn

My 8-year-old daughter has just started the third grade! Yes, my baby, who I remember just starting to walk and talk and read, is already in the third grade… that’s halfway done with elementary school! Okay, the old mommy panic is gone but replaced with an uncomfortable unsettled feeling.

The first week of school went really well. She loves her teacher who has truly mastered the art of the reward. She had the parents bring in their kid’s favorite candy in a little plastic baggie, and then uses it as rewards to get the kids to behave well and do their work. I wish I could find a way to reward people I work with using items they already own and get the same reaction.

Anyway, all was well last week as homework was done quickly and efficiently, even with a smile. She is making new friends and taking more responsibility for her papers and folders. All good stuff… but there seems to be something else brewing on the horizon. I think some people would call it “individuation.” I might have another name for it… sneakiness.

What I’ve noticed in my daughter since she started school is that she seems to be consciously deciding to push the rules. I thought being consistent and firm all these years would have just derailed that train, but apparently that is not the case.

It started small with her starting to NOT ask for things that she wants. She started by just asking if she can have dessert, but not specifying what she wanted… next thing you know she’s eating Tootsie Pops for dessert instead of fruit. Okay, that’s a little bit clever and kind of cute, so I let it go… that’s a slippery slope I tell you!

Then what develops later in the week is a little more blatant. We took a long drive to visit Nana and Papa for Labor Day weekend and the little girls bring their Nintendo DS games. It makes a long trip quite manageable because they are occupied and improving their manual dexterity (yes, that’s what I tell myself) and more importantly, they are quiet. At least for a while…

Each girl had only one rule to follow with the DS games in the car – NO SOUND! Normally, this isn’t a problem as they usually happy to just get some video game time. But about 20 minutes into the ride, I swear I am hearing things… little tinkle bells and quacks and other goofy sounds that I really don’t remember on my favorite CD the last time I played it. That’s when I realize and do the friendly, “Please turn off the sound on your games.” That should do it.

But it doesn’t… 20 more minutes and the tinkle-linkle-link is back and even less charming than the last time. This time I have to actually find out who is the culprit, and of course it is my daughter. So this time, with feeling, she gets “Turn the sound off, NOW!” And we get back, the “Okay, okay!” in return.

Now, the fact that she turns the sound up one more time boggles my mind, but all I can figure is that somewhere in her 8-year-old brain is the need to know “how far exactly can I push it?” Well, I am sure you all know that three times is most certainly a limit and she rode the rest of the way with no DS.

I didn’t think it was much until we caught her sneaking candy to school for her “secret club of friends” who expect her to bring something. Since when does she not ask? So she is told to put it back and to ask next time. What does my sneaky little minx do? She tries hiding it in her shoes to take anyway!

This year, as school begins anew, I vow:

–I will not mindlessly toss school papers on the kitchen table where where they will collect in a foreboding heap until such time that a) we have people over for dinner and have no choice but to clear the table or, worse, b) the soccer booster lady e-mails: “YOUR daughter can’t play soccer today because she hasn’t filled out her emergency medical form.”

–I will sign all permission slips, medical forms and PTA forms as soon as my children place them in my hands.

–I will be especially careful to read the fine print on any paper that says “Volunteer opportunity!”, making sure to sign up for only such activities that do not come with a one-page job description.

–I will devise a system for saving those pieces of my kids’ school work that are worth saving, and immediately throw out the rest.

–Not only that, I will sort through the boxes of papers in the basement that date back to my first child’s first preschool, circa 1990, keeping only the most significant pieces. After all, like my friend Megan says, “Do I really need page after page of my kids writing the letter ‘L’ in cursive?”

– I will, once and for all maintain a bottomless cache of cash in the little pottery cup in the kitchen cupboard, so that when my daughter suddenly remembers she forgot to pack her lunch as she is running out the door, there will be money to give. And give. And give.

–When school lunches are remembered, they will be healthy and yummy and made before 8 a.m. with slim-to-no supervision from me.

–There will be no midnight oil, as bedtimes will be at healthy times for each age group. Mornings will be organized so that nobody is running out the door with cereal in a coffee cup, screaming, “I didn’t have time to brush my teeth.” Afternoons will be calm and all-knowing, not like last year when I couldn’t remember which day I pick up my daughter from school and which day she has soccer practice.

–I will remain steady and calm for all my children. This includes the aforementioned 16-year-old. This year, I vow to know when she needs me and when she wishes I lived in a different time zone. I will know when to stay in the kitchen and when to bound up the stairs to her room, where I will sit on the side of her bed and ask, “What’s wrong, honey?” in the sweetest voice known to humankind, even if it is 11 at night and my own eyeballs are moving to the back of my head with my own fatigue and overwhelmedness.

This year, I vow not only to be a calm, steady and all-knowing mother, but the calmest, steadiest, most all-knowingest among all.

Instead of my daughter coming to me and telling me how Abby’s mother never complains about driving back and forth and back and forth - did I say back and forth to the high school enough? - every other half hour after school, I will be the mom who gets put on the pedestal.

My daughter’s friends will talk about how Mrs. Hook always has hot zucchini bread on the table after school, a really cool shirt on her bod and a smile on her face, even when the papers start piling up on the table and there’s no lunch money in the pottery cup.

If only.

-Debra-Lynn

Yeah! We’re almost done school shopping! And, believe me, it wasn’t easy getting two preteen girls through the experience without losing the house and my mind. My kindergartener was a breeze, thankfully. Here are tips for saving money and sanity when school shopping.

• Set a budget before you leave your house and share it with your children who are old enough to grasp the concept. Knowing that a $39 pair of jeans would take 1/5 of her budget kept my 12-year-old looking. She found great jeans at Rue 21 for $19 and the deal was buy one and get 50% off of the second pair. That means two pairs for about $30. Not bad.

• Steer your kids toward basics. Jeans over those cute retro-flowered pants. The basics can be worn over and over but those flowered pants will be worn five times and out of style by the time a younger sibling grows into them. Learn from my mistakes. Anyone want a pair of flowered pants?

• Take one child shopping at a time. I get confused when my kids team up and need feedback and attention. I end up spending more than necessary and regretting some purchases. In addition, my 10-year-old can find her own style rather than mimicking her hip, older sister. Besides, it’s good for kids to have some individual Mom time.

• Keep all receipts. You need to make this a habit or the receipts will get misplaced (again, learn from my mistakes). Then you end up getting .99 back for some shirt because it has, of course, gone on clearance since you paid $12 for it. I have a big crock that I shove all receipts into immediately upon arriving home. Even stuff like dog food receipts that I can’t imagine needing again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to dig through that jar. Plus, very helpful at tax time.

• Allow relatives to help, if they offer. Some of my lucky friends have family traditions that help out their family budgets. One grandmother takes the kids boot and coat shopping each year. Another takes the kids for all of their school supplies, which is another big fall expense. I know of one aunt who plays Auntie Mame for the day and spoils her two nieces at Limited Too.

• Use coupons! I have a coupon file in my filing cabinet that I shove all coupons into that come in the mail. Use your store credit cards occasionally to make sure you receive them. Also, check online coupon sites and print out any coupons you may want. If the store asks for an e-mail address, give them one so they can e-mail coupons to you. I have a hotmail address just for this purpose. Lastly, check at the management office before you begin shopping. I did that last week at my mall and by showing my AAA card, I received (among other coupons) a $10 off any $30 purchase at Aeropostale. I did mention I had two preteen daughters, right?

• Pass clothing down. Communicate to your child that this is a lucky way to get clothes and they’ll totally buy into it, at least for a good number of years. We keep all outgrown clothes and shoes in plastic bins in our basement. We go to the “basement store” for new clothing for my five-year-old. She excitedly (and proudly, I might add) told her daddy last week that we’d gone to the basement store to shop and she was now ready for Kindergarten.

I did take my youngest daughter shopping this year so she could get some Mommy time, too. We shopped for new underwear! It was so exciting! There were so many choices! She finally decided on Pooh Bear, and upon arriving home she proceeded to model all six pairs for the entire family. It was one of those moments when I looked at her and just marveled at what an adorable, funny, sweet child she is and that by the grace of God, she’s mine.

So lucky. So lucky. So lucky.

-Kay

I have this weird look on my face this morning – kind of a mix between a smile and a frown. The reason? I placed both my wee ones on the bus – my daughter started 2nd grade, my son started kindergarten.

It is quiet here, but my mind is “busy.” The feelings I am feeling are so muddled – thrilled for them to be off and flying, anxious about how they’ll handle opening the containers I packed in their lunches, wondering what their classmates will be like, hoping I prepared them to face the challenges and dreaming that they will enjoy the moments.

I’ve been feeling all these feelings for the past few weeks. And, I know I’m not alone ( www.cafemom.com).

To create positive energy and deflect the negative feelings, we spent the “last weekend” packing in tons of fun. The most memorable – going roller skating at United Skates. Boy did we ALL have fun (and, yes, I strapped on the roller-blades even though I have not been on them in 15 years!).

Why am I telling you about roller skating? It was neat, as a Mom, to watch my kids succeed and have fun. That big roller skating circle was a great look at life’s challenges and how my kids handle them.

It was my son’s first time on skates EVER. I was proud of him for his tenacity – every time he fell on his little bottom, he got right back up and kept trying. This, of course, was a relief - to know that he isn’t going to sit down and cry every time he fails. Watching him keep on keeping on reassured me he was going to do just fine out there in the world.

My daughter is the “experienced” roller-blader. I was impressed with her tenacity as well. She is a typical first child who needs to be successful, period. She took her time, concentrated and never fell down. Her focus will do her well, too.

All that fun going around in a circle with them was a great experience for ME. Because it was the day before school started, I must have been in a really “analytical” frame of mind. Watching them helped me realize they’re going to do great. Both of them try really hard, both can focus and (most important) both know how to have fun. This is a really good feeling.

Now I just have to get them to try hard, focus and have fun with their homework!

- Lisa

Next summer I vow will be the summer when I establish just the right balance between my needs and my kids’.

I will post a schedule, with just the right amount of flexibility built in, that will demonstrate once and for all that just because Mom works at home doesn’t mean I am actually here 24 hours a day and/or ready to take everybody swimming/to see “Kung Fu Panda”/ to make pineapple smoothies for the entire neighborhood at a moment’s notice.

I will not feel guilty for spending the morning writing while the kids spend the morning bouncing around the house because I will know there are lots of four-hour blocks designated, “Take the kids swimming.” I likewise will not feel guilty for taking four hours out of the day to take the kids swimming, because I will know that there are also big honking spaces on the schedule that say, “Mom’s work time.”

Next summer, thanks to this clear and perfectly balanced schedule, not a single child of mine – especially my pre-teen who is too old to just hang and too young to drive - will ever lift his head off the pillow in the morning and say, “What are we going to do today?” This always casts a pall on Mom’s entire day as she is left feeling guilty, conflicted, pressured and confused, not to mention unworthy and fearful that her children will not have a carefree, barefoot-in-the-clover summer like she’s convinced she had every year when she was a kid.

Next summer, the child will not have to ask, but will simply go to the schedule and see for himself what “we” are going to do today, which will, God forbid, include such things as “down time.”

Next summer, during said down times, my kids will sit outside on lawn chairs watching the grass grow, so that when winter comes and the plants on the back deck look like Mrs. Simpson’s hair, only in snow, not hair, they will remember that grass not only exists, it grows.

Next summer, there will not be a single, solitary “I don’t have anything to do, I’m bored” because I finally will have learned to say, “You don’t have anything to do? I’ll find something for you to do,” which will magically result in all three of my kids sitting at the kitchen table playing Monopoly from dawn `til dusk.

Next summer, I will have designated a block of time very early on for back-to-school shopping, so that I am not waiting `til the last minute to get new school uniforms for my sixth-grader, which will be all picked over by the time I get there.

By this time next summer, with thanks to our meticulous planning, we will be funned-out, rested up and ready for fall. And the garden will have been weeded. We will have had just the right amount of work, just the right amount of play. We will have just the right tan, which my husband believes is psychologically uplifting even if it is bad for the skin. We will have just the right amount of muscle tone, signifying exercise and sport, and just the right amount of atrophy, signifying relaxation. We will post pictures on Webshots.com and send them to all our friends and family, proving that we can, and did, have the perfect summer.

Yes, next summer, we will have it all figured out.

Next summer for sure.

- Debra-Lynn

There is a trend in America to entertain less frequently within our homes. It’s down 45% in 20 years. Why? I believe it’s because we are so crazy busy with our families, jobs, activities, church, schools, and on and on.

The thought of cleaning our house, making a meal, and then having enough energy left over for a coherent discussion can seem overwhelming. Frankly, why bother?

Well, lots of reasons.

• It’s fun. The power of laughter is amazing. Do you ever sit around laughing your head off when you’re mowing your lawn? No. You need to take a break from your “life” and have some fun with your friends. Last week we got together with good friends and got into a discussion about McCain and Obama (see, we can be serious, too). Then we started talking about their political commercials and pretty soon we were brainstorming new ones. We cracked ourselves up. Think SNL only not funny at all to anyone other than ourselves.

• It’s good for your kids to see healthy, long-term friendships. Some kids have a tendency to have a new best friend each week. Or to drop someone if it’s no longer fun. It’s character building for your child to see that even when the friendship may be a bit difficult, good friends hang in there. The friends I mention above moved hundreds of miles away but we still make it happen. I’ve had friends struggle with cancer, death, divorce, handicapped children, finances, and other challenges. It’s not always easy but our relationships are solid.

• It creates pseudo-cousins for your children. I grew up with layers upon layers of cousins and loved being known and cared for by so many people. Still do. Unfortunately, my kids don’t have that experience. They have cousins they adore but there is only a smattering of them. The children of our good friends have the same type of relationship with my kids as I had with my cousins. They look forward to spending time together and start up where they left off.

• It’s good for marriages. Relaxing with friends allows me to see my spouse in the same role as when we dated. The relaxed, carefree guy I fell for instead of the work driven, busy guy I live with on a daily basis. And vice versa. I admit I’m usually too busy switching loads in the laundry or putting band-aids on boo boos to look lovingly in my husband’s eyes (which are a spectacular blue, by the way). The nicest thing you can do for your kids is to love your spouse.

Entertaining does not have to be overwhelming. Here are some tips for simplifying:

• Keep it small. I think two families at a time is perfect for conversation and crowd control.

• Don’t try new recipes. In the summer, I grill. In the winter, I make meatballs. If you hate any cooking, don’t hesitate to order pizza. Make a green salad and you’re good. It’s about fellowship, not food.

• Don’t over plan. I know one woman who orchestrates the entire evening and it makes me a bit anxious. No sooner do you finish your dessert and she shoos you into another room for an activity. And on it goes. It’s very Martha Stewart-like and, honestly, I’d be a bit intimidated to invite her to my home.

• Be open to different ideas. For years we had a group of friends that always gathered on Friday nights. We rotated homes and made it a potluck. It was fairly effortless and lots of fun. Our neighborhood meets up with neighbors around campfires in backyards. It’s usually spontaneous and the host provides S’mores ingredients and beverages. How easy is that?

• Involve your kids. They can easily make invitations, place cards, and menus online. Totally unnecessary for your gathering, but kids love having input and feeling needed.

Remember, the goal is to make genuine connections. Good luck and have fun!

-Kay