My 10-year-old daughter, Grace, played soccer this fall for the first time. I signed her up for it through the town’s recreation program. My older daughter played for years through that program and she’d always enjoyed it. Kind of low key, only one practice a week, and inexpensive. A good way to sample a sport. Parents get to root for their child while mingling with neighbors and friends from the community.

Grace was randomly placed on a team. Two coaches. One quiet and one…not so quiet. Truthfully, quite obnoxiously loud. He’d actually run up and down the sidelines as the little girls played, barking out, “Get the ball, Go, Go, GO, Stay with it, be more aggressive, where’s my defense…” You get the idea.

But he’d also send these very encouraging e-mails to the girls and there is no doubt that Grace learned a ton. Naturally, she’s not as skilled as some of the girls who had been playing for years. But she has some natural athletic ability and a fierce heart. She likes to win. She really likes to win.

So, I kind of sat back and tried not to judge. Grace was enjoying the experience tremendously. Plus, neither my husband nor I have any desire to coach so my feeling is that you can’t really criticize unless you’re willing to do the job yourself.

Well, her team made it to the championship game. It was almost a joke because the girls would almost accidentally make a goal or kick the ball in the right direction. But, regardless, the team was extremely excited. On the morning of the big game, Grace woke up at 7:30 a.m. to kick the ball around outside in the freezing rain, just to get ready. The whole family went to the game. This was a big deal. We went loaded down with chairs, blankets, snacks, and of course our camcorder and camera in order to have pictures to mark the big event and to share with family through Photoworks. We were pumped!

Well, the coach hardly played Grace. He put her in for less than one quarter and some girls played the entire game. It wasn’t even kind of close.

I have a friend who is a wonderful coach and he has to actually keep a spreadsheet because parents question if their child is getting equal field time. I’m so not that parent. I’m sure it’s nearly impossible to keep it even. We’d settle for anything remotely resembling even. The thing is, Gracie’s coaches had been very fair for the entire season. So, this was obviously all about winning the “big game.” And Grace figured that out and all it implied. I could see it in her face.

So, I was absolutely thrilled when Gracie’s team lost. So much for his strategy. Hah! Yes, I am petty. Grace walked toward me and I could tell even from a distance that she was struggling to hold it together. We all know that feeling that you get when you see your Mom where your throat closes up and your chest gets tight. It still happens to me when something is wrong in my life, even as an adult.

Grace laid her head on me and whispered, “Why didn’t he play me?”

What is the correct response to that? I didn’t answer but just hugged her. As parents, we work so hard to build our children’s confidence and self-esteem and it can all fall apart so quickly.

The quieter coach came over, apologized, and told Grace that he hoped to see her on the team for spring soccer. I kept my mouth closed. Honestly, I just didn’t know what to say.

To be fair, both coaches were always upbeat with Grace, enthusiastic, and volunteered lots of their time. So, I’m really trying to figure this out. Is this just the way of sports and Grace needs to get used to it? Or have kids’ sports become hyper-competitive at all levels? When spring comes around, do I sign her up for the same team?

Dr. Alan Goldberg wrote a great article regarding youth sports entitled “13 Steps to Winning Parenting” that has one step called “giving your child the gift of failure.” It’s difficult to sort it all out and to determine what is best for my child.

-Kay

Last month, I traveled 7 hours to spend a week in the Adirondacks with my family. We rented a camp on a pristine lake and spent the week hiking, swimming, eating, and basically just enjoying nature and family.

It was awesome. If you ever have the opportunity to visit, it’s a wonderful family vacation.

Just writing, “the Adirondacks” soothes my soul and probably lowers my blood pressure. I’ve been to some spectacular locations in my life but for me, the Adirondack Mountains in upstate NY are the epitome of beauty. I love nature and have always thought that I could live happily on a mountaintop as long as my local country store stocked chocolate and Diet Coke. Being a nature lover, I’m always trying to expose my kids to the beauty of the Earth, but it’s just so “in your face” in the Adirondacks that there is really no way to ignore it.

My kids spent countless hours floating in the lake on their stomachs with their goggles on seeing all kinds of underwater life. At first it “freaked them out” (to quote my five-year-old) but by the end of the week they were seasoned wilderness girls. They planned to catch a fish and came up with strategies to do so during the week. Initially, they tried using just their hands, then progressed to nets, rocks, and cups. They figured out that the fish liked the shady areas (under the dock) so focused their efforts there. What better way for three kids to spend an afternoon?

Olivia, my five-year-old was fascinated by all of the wildlife. She made a chipmunk house out of an old diaper box, which naturally led to a discussion about what chipmunks eat and where they sleep ( click here for cool chipmunk facts). She’d restock the chipmunk house each day with more food and watch diligently for chipmunk activity. It was a fun and natural way for her to learn.

Olivia and I took many hikes near our camp and at the end of our dirt road found a pile of poop. This is fascinating to any five-year-old and she is no exception. We determined after inspection that it definitely wasn’t dog or horse poop. Somewhere in the middle, so we made the determination that it must be bear poop, which is very possible in the Adirondacks. Thereafter, each day we needed to take that hike and check on the bear poop. Lots of deer poop to note, as well. I think animal excrement is in the 7th grade science curriculum and here she is just entering Kindergarten. Gifted, I guess.

The Adirondacks are a great location if you like hiking. There are trailheads pretty much everywhere which range from the very easy to challenging. My husband, Jeff, is into hiking and awoke early each morning to tackle a new trail. A favorite was Bald Mountain. He took our 9- and 11-year-old girls, and from the top it is “one of the most beautiful panoramic views you’ll ever see” (a direct quote from Jeff). It’s fun for kids as there are lots of rocks to climb on the way up but it’s not so difficult as to be frustrating. Part of the fun is finding big, sturdy sticks to use as walking sticks. My husband’s is sitting out in our garage, just in case he might want to take a mighty walk through the suburbs, I guess.

We visited the Adirondack Museum in Blue Mountain Lake, NY during our vacation and loved it! It is truthfully about the best museum I’ve ever been to with children. It’s a bit pricey and has limited hours but it makes the history of the Adirondacks come to life. It has an actual train car that wealthy families used to travel in to visit The Great Camps of the Adirondacks before roads were built. There is also a fire tower originally from White Face Mountain that you can climb up into. I wish all museums could make history so interesting for kids (and adults).

Another fun day trip is to take a tour at The Sagamore, an impressive example of A Great Camp. Also, there is Enchanted Forest Water Safari in Old Forge if your kids are craving a little good old water park fun.

By the way, my kids never did catch that fish but sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.

-Kay

My family just came back from our 2nd annual “week at the lake” with extended family. We’ve wanted to do this for many years but between weddings, pregnancies, and tight finances, it just never seemed to be the right summer to start this tradition.

Finally, after realizing that if we waited too much longer, the oldest cousins wouldn’t even want to go on some dorky family trip, I picked a location and a date. I shared the information with my parents and siblings but was determined to start the yearly tradition with or without them.

I was thrilled when my parents and both of my sisters’ families decided to join us. Let me share a few perks of group vacations.

1. You save a ton of money! Our cabin was $1,300 per week. Dividing that number by four families made our vacation easier to handle financially.

2. Free babysitting! Being around other adults who love your children provides opportunities to have some quiet time or adult time. The men caught a movie during our vacation and my husband and I were able to check out some of the local talent at an art gallery without kids.

3. The workload is shared. With four women (sorry to stereotype, but that’s the reality when my family gathers), cleaning up after dinner is a snap. In addition, both of my sisters don’t hesitate to throw another kid into the bathtub while bathing their own or recruiting extra cousins on hikes. My mother washed, dried, and folded all of my dirty laundry. It was a beautiful thing.

4. You have less to pack. We were able to fit our three children, clothes, and all of our vacation stuff into our van with room to spare. Before vacation, we split up the list to avoid duplicating and to simplify packing. For example, I brought sand toys, my sister brought games, and my mother brought matches.

5. You can share the food. Make a menu together beforehand and divvy up the items. We worked it out based upon our schedules and shopping preferences. We all saved our receipts, added up the damage, and divided the total bill equally. We briefly considered taking into account family size but that was just too complicated. Plus, we all know that kids never seem to really eat (just endless snacking) while on vacation. Anyways, we’re family. In the end, it all works out. Creating a menu and doing the shopping separately took some organization but in the long run saved time and money. And who really wants to end up with four bottles of ketchup?

6. Lots of photos! With so many adults snapping photos, we end up with more winning shots. Each December we create a photo calendar, using Photoworks, with the best of that year’s pictures to distribute to all of the families.

7. Relationships are built. This is by far the most important and was my motivation for wanting to start this tradition in the first place. As toddlers, my kids have all enjoyed listing on their chubby little fingers all of the people who love them. “Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Holly, Aunt Katie, Uncle Chris,” and on and on. What a comfort for my children to feel so surrounded by love.

Now, lest you think we’re a perfect family, we’re not. I believe we’re a spectacular family but we’re also very normal. Being human, we get mildly annoyed with each other during the week over silly, petty stuff.

“Shhh…the baby’s sleeping.”
“Who got the floor all wet?”
“Did someone eat all of the cookies?”

Isn’t resolving minor conflicts with others a lesson we want to teach our children? What better way than seeing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins figure out the give and take of loving relationships…?

Now that’s a beautiful thing! Even better than clean laundry!

-Kay

When I was a child, my father built a simple two-story treehouse for me and my three sisters. It was all the way back on our three-quarters-of-an-acre property between two skinny South Carolina pines next to the woods behind our house.

The first “floor” of the treehouse was two crude wooden benches nailed into the trees, just enough room for four little girls to have a tea party, while the top tier was a platform of old metal signs, nailed together and supported with beams.

I didn’t care much about the tea party part. The top floor was where I wanted to be.

As it was reached only by climbing the wooden steps nailed to one of the trees, the little kids were prohibited from climbing up, which meant I had it all to myself.

As there were no walls and no roof on the second floor, whenever I lay down up there, it was just me and the trees.

I would lie up there on summer afternoons and watch the spindly tops of the pines waving to me. I would close my eyes and listen to the birds and feel the wind touching me lightly on my bare arms. Lying up there, I floated away with the pines.

For years, I have talked to my husband about building a treehouse for our three children, not a pre-fab treehouse from one of those big box builder stores, but a treehouse like my late father built of scrap lumber and ingenuity.

Only, for the first ten years of marriage, we didn’t own our own home.

When we finally did, the trees weren’t the right kind for building a treehouse in.

Besides, my husband kept reminding me, he’s not a handy man like my father was. A college professor and author, he says the only thing he knows how to do with his hands is type.

Meanwhile, our last child, our youngest, has been asking for a treehouse. This is an 11-year-old child who loves the trees as much as I, who would rather be outside than anywhere, who asked me years ago when we were walking through a deep forest with tall, tall trees whose branches covered us like a canopy, allowing only splashes of sunlight to illuminate the path, “Is this where God lives?”

“If we don’t do it now, we’ll never do it,” I recently told my husband.

A few weeks ago then, my husband asked a carpenter friend whether he thought we could fudge a treehouse in one of our non-treehouse trees.

He showed him a
model that he said might work, one where the treehouse is not actually in the tree, but is supported by the tree. He said he would help my husband while our son is at camp this week and next.

Two weeks. We have two weeks to do this.

It will be interesting in the end to see whether we can pull off this gift for our son before summer’s end. It will be equally interesting to see who the gift is really for. Who will be the one to climb the steps to the treehouse day after day and not come down til dinner?

–Debra-Lynn

In my last rant about being stressed out I had a lot of problems and not a lot of solutions.

I hate complaining. Especially when I am the one doing it, because that means I have switched from being logical to being emotional. My choices and decisions are no longer clear.

I end up worrying and feeling bad about stuff that I can fix, rather than just getting to work fixing it. I think it happens to the best of us, but that’s not really a consolation or an excuse. It just is what it is, and when I get over being upset, I get back to work.

The failures I claimed in my last post really aren’t failures. They are not ideal situations, but they are not beyond repair. My first writing helped me realize I need to make some changes if I want to continue to work from home, and I need to start with some facts and some rules.

I was completely bent about being interrupted while working. The kids constantly need something and I am not a multi-tasker by any means. I am the type of person who needs to concentrate. Then I end up feeling guilty when I shoo them away.

All I really need to do is close the door to my office and make a couple changes to my schedule. The alternative is going back to work in an office. In that case, the kids would be alone all day or in day care, and that is even less ideal than enforcing a ‘work hours rule.’

The biggest of my concerns was being present when I have time with my family. I get so far into worrying about everything, it all kind of lumps together and I think about it constantly. I usually get frantic when I start to fall behind and start making lists in my head of the things that aren’t done. 

I know that I never sort out my lists until I actually write them down. Then I get to see that it’s not as dreadful as it seemed in my head, and I can start prioritizing and working my way down the list.

Keeping the crossed off lists also helps me see the progress. My other concern was the never-ending queue of tasks. Keeping the lists also helps me see if I am taking on too much, or if I need to ask for help.

And help, they will! I also know that I pamper my girls, often at my own expense. I want them to be able to play and be kids and not have to worry about anything, but when I take on too much I just stress out. When they can see that stress on me, the kids stress out too, so it makes sense that I can be less stressed by having them help out on the levels that they can.

They can keep their rooms clean and clean up after themselves in other parts of the house. They can even get themselves lunch if I stock up on frozen entrées. (They actually consider that a treat!) I can teach the girls a little bit about responsibility and lighten my load at the same time. I can use some online calendars to keep my schedule organized, enforce a few rules, and I can keep my mini-American dream in tact!

I feel great after all these conclusions. I am looking forward to a great summer with my kids and working from home. That was definitely the best working fathers book I never read!

- John

I’ve got a library full of books at my house. Some I have enjoyed, some I have never read; most of them are technical publications for work.

I recently found a working fathers’ book in my library that I bought before my youngest daughter was born. I started leafing through it and landed right on the chapter about “Stress and the Working Dad.”

I’m a big believer in fate and karma, and getting little hints along the way. I’ll never claim to have all the answers, but until something like this comes along and smacks me in the face I usually think I have it together pretty well. 

This summer however, I know I have been stressed out and I know it’s affecting my relationship with my kids.

It’s almost like I’ve been watching from the outside. I took a cool work-from-home summer job, so that I could enjoy the outdoors and spend more time with my kids. It was a great novelty for the first week, but turned out to be way more time-consuming than I planned. I have a newfound respect for the work-at-home career folks, especially if they have kids and the work requires any concentration whatsoever.

I feel like I’ve failed at everything I tried to accomplish, but I try to take it as a learning experience. As I’ve been told, experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted. What I got was an enormous ‘honey-do’ list that just keeps growing, and a herky-jerky schedule of working, chores, and taking care of the kids. I can only say that there are not enough hours in the day to do all three.

Failure #1: The work I do is suffering because I can’t concentrate for more than 15 minutes without one of my three girls needing to ask me something. I know that all they really want is some quality Dad time. I feel guilty every time I have to turn them away, and it’s hard to be productive when you’d much rather be enjoying time with your kids.

Failure #2: When I do stop to spend time with the kids, I know it is at the expense of something else not getting done. My mind is full of tasks for around the house and for work. I’ve even tried including the kids in household chores, but working with my posh little powder puffs usually takes twice as long and creates twice the work.

Failure #3: I can’t keep up with everything there is to do around the house. In addition to the normal cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes generated by three children and their friends, we’re also remodeling and cleaning out every nook and cranny of the house for a first time ever garage sale.  

I feel simply overwhelmed, and it feels good to write this all down. It’s a little easier to process as it all shows up in type, and the solutions seem obvious.

There has to be some changes.

They might be difficult, and they will definitely affect my relationship with the kids, but it should offer up better results than I get now.

Stress can do all kinds of bad things, like cloud your judgment, damage personal relationships with your family, and distract you from the important things in life.

I know that pointing out problems without offering solutions is just complaining, so in my next installment, I will talk about how I will change my work-at-home habits to give me the time I would like to have with my kids. Because the whole point of working at home was to reduce stress, not make it worse!

- John

Because I am computer consultant, I am lucky enough to work from home occasionally. However, my kids can easily distract me. I do love all the things they want to tell me and show me, but when we are all at home together it’s simply non-stop.

I have an office setup in the basement, mainly because they don’t like it down there and actually interrupt me a little less than if I’m on the same floor. Most of the time they just yell from the top of the stairs, which I can ignore for the first 3 minutes, then I have to go see the latest and greatest - what ever it is.

In the summertime I can send them outside. They can play for hours on the tree swing, or swing set, and I can get a few more things done. However, on rainy days, wintertime, or excessive heat, they often stay in and play in the house. Which leads back to problem number one, except for my secret weapon.

Like I said before, I just love hanging out with my kids, and I never want them to feel like I am too busy for them. So, if I have something I know I need to dedicate my time to, I give them AG Kidzone to keep them busy too.

I have a great picture of my little monkeys all in a row, each with their own laptop, all playing games on the Kidzone site.  With their ages of 7, 8, and 14 it’s truly difficult to find something they all want to do together except for a family game of charades, or play on Kidzone together.

I was really surprised by how many games and activities there are. By my count there are over 20 games. By the time they all test their skill and compare high scores on just a few of these online kids games, my workday is done. I usually have to call them for dinner before they actually put the computer down!

I like that these online kids games are based around good wholesome characters. There are lots of free game sites out there, but the girls love the characters and really get into the games.  An indoor day of playing the Big Country Fun game results in the girls asking to camp out in from of the TV playing dress up and watching their Strawberry Shortcake DVD collection all night! It’s amazing to me that they all love Strawberry Shortcake since she’s been around since I was kid! (Check out the official unofficial Strawberry Shortcake history.)

I personally like the Sushi Pack online games, mainly because I like sushi! I dig pushing those little guys, taking out the high tide, or helping them keep cool. It makes me hungry every single time. That could be because I end up glued to the website, trying to get to the next level! It’s just another little way to bond with my kids, no matter how silly it seems.

- John

As a working dad I occasionally have to travel for business.  Back in the day, when I was in my twenties, business trips were high-energy adventures for ‘closing the deal’ and sightseeing in new places all over the country.  I even longed for road warrior positions that would take me to international destinations, heck, I was so young that seeing new hotel rooms and renting various cars was all part of the fun.

That was over a decade ago, and now with a loving wife and wonderful family, traveling away from home without them just isn’t all that fun.  It is always nice to come home and see everyone’s smiling face, but the leaving and being away is still hard.  Not to mention the pressure!

Aside from accomplishing whatever my bosses have assigned for me while I am away, there is the perception from my family that my business trips are all fun.  My wife, who is saddled with kids all by herself, feels that the business meals or cocktail hours sponsored by a client are a heck of a lot more fun than what she’s doing while I am gone.  And, honestly, who am I to argue, mingling, networking and schmoozing with adults is always easier and a little more fun than enforcing bedtimes and running to various schools.

My kids love business trips because they inevitably end up with little gifts like Webkinz or t-shirts with the location du jour imprinted on the front.  They miss me and I get to have short phone calls with them, but they are usually distracted with whatever home activity is going on at the time. 

Typical calls go like this: “Hi Daddy!  I miss you!  Where are you again?  When do you come home?  What are you bringing me?”  Then as I try to find out how their day was or what they’ve learned in school, their answers trail off as I hear the theme song from Spongebob Squarepants play in the background.

I usually sign off with a brief conversation with my wife about how things are going, but no matter what we discuss, my family life just feels on hold until I get home.  I like what I do for a living, but I love my family so much more. 

When I was younger I never would have guessed that traveling wouldn’t be fun some day.  But back then I also thought that I’d be rich by getting a great job, I never realized that my life would be so rich and rewarding from having a family.

I guess I am feeling a bit homesick and I am looking forward to that red eye flight home.  It is time for me to hit the gift shop and find my Seattle skyline magnet souvenir and some pink fuzzy critters for my girls.  I wish there were something I could bring home that would show just how much I miss my wife and family, but I guess big hugs and kisses will have to do when I return.

- John

I am having a minor parental crisis.

My daughter is officially in high school. I can tell because over the weekend, she told me she wants to learn how to play guitar. That can only mean one thing – boys.

Later that night my wife and I were talking about her new found interest – as if on queue – she asks if we’ve ever heard of a band called Metallica.

There’s definitely a boy involved.

I’m cool with my daughter dating. She will always be my little girl, but she’s got a whole life of lessons to learn. I know that if I try to shelter her now, she is only going to come back at age 18 with a full-on rebellion, or she’ll be ill-equipped to handle adult relationships when the time comes. We all went through it, and I would not deprive her of that, or make her delay it in any way.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still going to play the crazy gun-cleaning Dad when I meet new boys. I just need to find a reasonable facsimile of a gun. Perhaps I will just sharpen a hatchet, or stretch-test a slingshot when her suitors arrive. I’ll explain that I come from a long line of slingshot marksmen, and I can castrate a boy bunny rabbit from 50 feet. Then I will explain in graphic detail the plume of fur and guts that spray on the girl bunny if he is too close to her, and then kindly ask him to bring my daughter home nice and clean.

The other experience we all had was the first job. Apparently this boy wants Meghan to attend the Warped Tour show in Cleveland.

Not a big stretch. I took Meg to her first concert at age 6. We went to see Barenaked Ladies at Blossom Music Center, and she knew every word to “If I Had A Million Dollars!” It makes a Dad proud. *sniff*sniff*

I offered to take her to the Warped Tour. I like a few of the bands playing, and one of my favorite past times is people-watching. I told her we would go on one condition: she has to come up with half of her ticket price, and her mom and I would split the rest. I would pay for my own ticket, and for our food. It’s an all-day event, so I figure even if she is just there to see a boy, she might decide to go home early and we can take off.

So how to get the money for her ticket, she wonders…

She has now decided that babysitting is not what she wants to do.

She got an American Red Cross certification, but just doesn’t like it.

A fickle teenage daughter, what a surprise!

She wants to volunteer at animal shelters, but thinks you have to write an entrance essay, so that became less interesting to.

Then she searched Google for local part-time jobs. Most of the jobs sounded pretty shady, except for a banquet server position. There is a local caterer that hires part-time workers to serve at banquets and weddings.

Meg is very interested, but has no idea how to go get her first job.

So, here’s my dilemma – I think I might go with her and work alongside her for the first few gig. I can help her out as needed, and make a few extra bucks on the side.

I would imagine most events would be after 5 and on the weekends. I think it could be a great bonding experience. I’m just not sure if I am being the over-protective Dad.

I’m going to ponder this one awhile longer and talk to her about it. If she likes the idea, I think I will do it. I have never worked food service before in my life, and now might just be the time to try it!

-John

When you’re a handy person, DIY is almost always born out of an immediate need, and the lack of immediate funds. We all enjoy today’s modern conveniences when we can afford them, but oftentimes our hard-earned money goes to fulfilling basic needs rather than to indulging in conveniences.

I once learned the difference between need and want through this example: In a room full of people a presenter asked, “Right at this moment, who wants to take a bathroom break?” A dozen people or so raised their hands. Then he asked, “How many of you with your hands up need to take bathroom break?”

A few hands remained, and he pointed out to those people that if they really needed to go, they would simply get up and go. It’s an absolute need, and we will always take care of those needs, whereas our ‘wants’ can wait their turn. Trying to explain that to an inconsolable seven-year-old doesn’t work very well. So when the going gets tough, the handy get going.

I was faced recently with a new Easy Set pool that I got for Father’s Day. As the box promised, we were filling it with water in less than 30 minutes. They fail to point out that it takes 48 hours to fill the pool with a garden hose, and that it takes several more days for that water to reach a reasonable temperature for swimming and general frolic.

While I want to jump in that pool with my kids, and play the day away, I just can’t seem to have very much fun when I am hypothermic. The kids however, neeeeeeeeed to touch the pool, slap the pool, talk about the pool, and sing about the pool every minute they have to wait for the magical moment of finally jumping in. This creates a need in me to find a faster solution than waiting for the clouds to clear and the sun to grace us with its pool-warming rays.

This is where my DIY skill springs into action. We’re booked this evening for a softball game, which gives me one more day to formulate a solution to meet the neeeeeeeeeds of the kids.

So far I’ve come up with a re-circulating system to push water through my homemade pool heater, which consists of a strategically placed 50’ hose coil that actually brings the water up 1 degree between the intake and outlet. I can power it with the pool filter, but I need to make a coupling to connect the garden hose coil to the 1” pool filter lines. I’m not sure yet, how I will tackle that part, but I’m sure I can find everything I need around the house.

The other solution is to simply drain 100 gallons and connect the garden hose to the hot water heater. Not the most eco-friendly option and it wouldn’t provide ongoing heat for the pool, but we’re talking about fulfilling neeeeeeeeeds here, and whatever a few tanks of hot water costs would be totally worth it!

- John