With everything going on in my life today, I am surprised at how distracted I am by thoughts of my oldest step-step-daughter currently living in California. It’s funny because I don’t really hear from her all that much and she’s actually doing pretty well in a general sense. Maybe it’s just that I remember my own experience of moving to California at her age.

I know from personal experience that moving 2,500 miles away from home, your first time out, is completely unnerving. It’s not easy leaving behind everything you know and friends that you care for. I learned quickly how much I relied on my friends when they weren’t there for me, or more specifically – I wasn’t there with them.

The first month or two was absolutely fantastic. I was very busy exploring my new environment and finding a routine. I was living in Redondo Beach and working in Inglewood. I had a 7-mile commute up the 405 freeway, that took a mere 45 minutes! My home and office were both only 10 blocks from the freeway, so I was a truly lucky commuter. In the evenings, I was less than a mile from some of the best people-watching territory in the world. Hanging out on The Strand or Pier Ave was the thing to do, but I wasn’t very interested in going alone.

Making new friends didn’t happen for me for nearly a year, so most of my time was spent on the telephone talking to my friends back home. We would exchange stories about all the cool new places I’ve seen, and the same old, same old back home.

For most of that first year I referred to my mom’s house and my hometown as home.  It took me a long to think in terms of having a new home in California. I still had all my connections to friends, even though they were fading fast due to long distance charges. When I lived in California long distance phone time cost nearly $0.30 per minute, and there was no such thing as a free eCard to keep in touch. The more distant I grew from my friends, the more I resented my new ‘home.’

My solution was to work 60 hours a week, even though I was paid straight salary.  I would normally work past 9 pm and always be in the office by 7:30 am. My boss always praised my midwest work ethic, but the truth is I didn’t have anything else to do. Most of my days were spent daydreaming of the girlfriend I left behind, scheming plans to move my closest friends to California with me, and getting my work done a little bit at a time. Being homesick and missing my friends was all I could think about.

That first year was rough for me, but I know I am not the only person who ever went through it. I remember what was important to me at that age, and moving across the country turned my world upside down. It changed the way I looked at everything, and helped me grow up a little. It was a learning experience and when I look back now, I had the time of my life. My step-step-daughter’s situation is a little bit different, but in all the things that matter – it’s exactly the same.

I didn’t start to think of California as my home until I ventured out and started making new friends. They are the cornerstone of your existence as a young adult. They become surrogate family and validate you as a person. They become your support system and help you through the tough times. I met lots of acquaintances in California and made one really close friend, and I consider myself very lucky. I spent my late 20’s in another new city with no friends, and it worked exactly the same way. Until I made friends, I just felt out of place. I spent most of my time on the phone or Internet, chatting away with friends back home, except this time “back home” was California.

Home is the same wherever you go, as soon as you make it what you want it to be. Encourage your kids, step kids, and young adult friends of the family to go out and experience life, and let them know that everything they are going through is perfectly normal, and it’s all going to be okay.

- John

When it comes to step parenting, many people are interested in their legal rights, when they should be focused on their boundaries as a parental figure. Many step parenting situations stem from divorce, but occasionally it can come from abandonment, or death. They are all very serious events that can affect children deeply.

The first consideration is always the child, but a close second will often be the biological parent. In our situation, we have our natural children, stepchildren, and step-stepchildren - meaning stepchildren from a previous marriage. As you can imagine, this can get confusing, difficult at times, and frustrating.

One of the best pieces of wisdom I got was from the parenting classes I had to take during my divorce. I am glad it was mandatory, because it reminded me that the most important thing in my life now is my children, their wellbeing, and trying to make sure they have two happy homes.

Anyone still focused on the legal aspects of step parenting is clearly still going through a divorce, or hasn’t gotten on with their lives yet after a divorce. Once all the drama has passed and the hurt feelings subsided, all that remains on both sides is the concern and care for the kids. If your still caught up in the drama, now is the time to start planning for how you will co-parent your children and any future stepchildren.

Think about what it will be like to get along with your ex: start thinking about what it will take to get along with your ex. What feelings will you need to put behind you to be a better parent, because this is about being a better parent, right?  Legal rights will give way to concern about study habits. Eventually, you and your ex will actually agree on a parental decision and things will start to work a little better. That’s when the patience part kicks in, especially if you remarry!

In my case, there are 6 parents and 3 households to consider in most every situation concerning the kids.  Before I start to hyperventilate over some of the situations, I just remember that the better the parents get along, the happier and healthier the kids are.  Sometimes that means biting my tongue or walking away, but it’s all in the best interest of the kids.

One really nice way to help inter-parental relations is to give the kids access to the other parent when they are visiting. A short phone call at bedtime, or letting them send a quick eCard during the week lets the other parent know that they are considered and respected in the other household. 

I also have my youngest make online coloring sheets or other activities for her Mom if she is missing her. It’s a nice redirection. She usually feels better by the time she is done, and she gets to give her Mom a gift when she sees her next!

If you ever would have told me that I would eventually get along with my ex, I would have said, “No way!” But within a couple weeks of starting this kinder and gentler way of co-parenting, things lightened up a lot. The kids were noticeably more relaxed and happier, and I was too!  It took a little extra effort on my part, but it is doing the kids a world of good!

- John

If you have shared custody of your children, then you have a delicate period of adjustment in your home whenever your child or children change households. There are some important things to be aware of, and they will help you and your child make an easier transition every time.

Have you noticed that when your child returns from visitation with your ex, everything seems tense and the house is in an uproar for half the week? Yeah?! Well, I bet you didn’t know the craziest part - it’s your fault.

My first wife and I simply don’t get along very well. We never really did. We had some good times, obviously enough to get married at one point, but we’re just very different people, and both very stubborn. That lead to the fighting, which lead to the divorce, which lead to more fighting – but at least it was no longer in front of the kids.

For over two years my wife was my mortal adversary, and I hers, and we had to “share” the kids.  It was awkward, but somehow we managed it and the kids survived. I am happy to report today that shared custody works very well, and my ex and I are even amicable about sporting events and special visits.

Still, transitions between houses can be difficult for everyone, not just the kids. Chances are there are different rules and expectations with the different houses, and it takes a while for kids and parents to adjust. 

Because our visitation is in sync we go through a BIG transition every other week. My wife and I kick back into parental mode, and the kids all come back at once. We are all happy and excited to see each other, but the first few hours can be sketchy.

Here are a few rules we try to stick to when our children return:

• Sit down to a meal. Get everyone together to talk about their week apart, instead of going off in different directions. Finish it off with a fun family game. Plan it. Do it.

• When talking with the kids, acknowledge and respect the other parents and the good times they have with the kids. Meaning – don’t react negatively if you learn that the kids are going on a big vacation or doing something special with the other parents.

• Give them some time to adjust. Give kids reminders of the rules before they get in trouble, and give them a warning (or two) before punishing them. 

• Don’t get upset over your own issues. Sometimes we hear information about the other households and it can be upsetting. We have to do a reality check about why it upsets us before we react negatively in front of the kids.

• Do your best to get along with your ex. You’re not together anymore for a reason, but the kids still need you both to be good parents. When you get along, the kids can tell and are much more comfortable at both.

How you act and react are a big part of how your kids behave around you. If you seem agitated or upset, they will pick up on it and react accordingly, often making things worse. We all want to spend good quality time with our kids, so remember to conduct yourself as a good loving parent, and you will get great times in return.

- John

I found out yesterday that my eldest step-step-daughter is an online greeting card star! See if you can guess which one she is before they roll the credits. However, this is not why I am proud of her. I am proud of her for being so mature and poised.

My wife helped raise two wonderful stepdaughters from kindergarten age in her first marriage. By the time I met Willow and her sister, they were both in their final years of high school. They already had already gone through childhood with a full compliment of parents and stepparents, so I didn’t honestly expect to have a relationship with them. I even expected a certain degree of animosity because of the situation, but as it turns out we hit it off quite well.

I’ve never felt specifically parental toward either of the girls, but I’m quite fond of them both. I’m always quite happy to share my personal school of philosophy when the occasion arises, which is pseudo-parental I suppose. Some of the most sage advice I got at their age came from friends of my mom and stepdad, so above all else I try to let them know the same thing I learned, that everything turns out okay.

Teens entering adulthood have it rough. No matter what the family situation, or socio-economic status, there is a glaring element of the unknown when approaching adulthood. In my young adult years I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up and it was a terrifying situation to be in.

I felt as though I needed to have it all figured out, and I had no tools or experience to do so. Even as I attended my first two years of college, I was still daunted by the idea of living life on my own. My parents were always encouraging and supportive, but still couldn’t tell me what was coming next or how to handle it. All they told me was, everything was going to turn out okay.

That reassurance was less than comforting when I was living 2,500 miles from home, flat broke, wallet stolen, and the rent was due, but my butt never fell off. It did turn out okay, and I learned lessons I couldn’t have learned any other way.

My parents knew that they couldn’t fix it for me, and I am glad they didn’t - even if they would have had the means to do so. There are lessons we can only learn by going through them ourselves no matter how much advice we get.

Willow will be 20 years old in less than a month, and recently moved to California - just like I did when I was her age. She is facing the same kind of challenges and decisions I did 20 years ago. I have a great deal of sympathy for her because I have been in the exact same situation. Still, I know the best thing I can possibly do is give her the same support and advice I got – and let her know everything is going to be okay.

- John

I consider discipline a highly sensitive matter, and disciplining a stepchild can be even more sensitive. It’s a topic worth many conversations because we all want to raise honest, responsible, well-mannered children. 

When parents disagree on punishments, children can practically get away with murder. Rules and consequences can actually become a source of problems between you and your partner. 

My first wife was ferociously protective of her daughter when we first met, and did not like it when I corrected, or scolded her for bad behavior. Several times she intervened, or whisked the child away while I was talking. 

I eventually had to pull her aside and explain that even though she hates seeing her baby girl sad or crying, teaching children the difference between right and wrong is an important part of being a parent.

And rules and punishments are a big part of teaching right and wrong. 

Even thought she completely understood and agreed with me, we still spent several years in turmoil because of our differences in parenting.

I spent seven years earning my black belt in baby mama drama, and it still continues sometimes today. I still see my first stepdaughter every other week, and when her mom can’t discipline her, I am the first one that gets called.

Here are my tips on discipline, whether you are a stepparent or a biological parent:

• Come to an agreement with your partner on the rules and consequences before you get into a disciplinary situation. Talk about it early in your relationship, and write it down if you need to.

• If you have shared custody, the biological parent will need to be involved, too. 

• Teach the rules to the child. Take some time to explain why the rules are important. Sometimes, they just need to understand a rule to follow it.

• Agree to disagree, but negotiate mutual agreeable punishments for bad behavior. 

• Try not to boil it down to the point that the child isn’t really being punished.

• Always warn the child of their bad behavior before punishing them. Be fair, and give them a chance to do the right thing, especially if it’s a rule you hadn’t thought of yet.

• Don’t threaten if you don’t intend to deliver. If you don’t follow through, the child will lose respect for you and any authority you have.

• Punishments and rules change as children grow, so it’s vital to keep talking to your partner and child. Set everyone’s expectations properly as they get older.

• Be a united front in front of the kids. If a child sees that one parent is not adamant about the punishment, the lesson is lost. Talk it over in another room if you need to.

• Never hit or spank a child in anger.  EVER.

Speaking of spankings…

I will openly admit that I do believe in spanking. When done properly, and for the right reason, it is an effective consequence. I have spanked my daughter and my first stepdaughter exactly twice each. My second stepdaughter got one spanking from her mom at age seven.  Each time was very effective at modifying their behavior.

A spanking should be an orchestrated event that takes several minutes to get its point across and creates a lifelong memory. Tell them that they are getting a spanking and send them to their room. Give them at least 10 minutes to dread their punishment and think about what they’ve done wrong. This is the worst part for most kids. It will also give you time to cool down if you are angry.

If they don’t start crying when you come in the room, they probably need some more time to think. You also shouldn’t approach them, talk to them, or go in the room until you are completely calm.

I don’t recommend using your bare hand. Get a wooden paddle of some sort. My mom’s favorite was the wooden spoon. Never use a spatula or anything with sharp edges. Don’t use rulers with metal edges. Basically, there is a huge list of things you shouldn’t use, so stick with the wooden spoon or a smooth paddle.

When you go in to the room, calmly explain again exactly why they are getting a spanking. Have them repeat why they are getting a spanking, so that you are completely sure they understand, and then get to it. Don’t negotiate. Don’t hesitate. Give them five to ten whacks, and call it done, literally.

Tell them it’s over, and everything is ok. Stay with them while they regain their composure, and give them a hug.  Let them out of their room. Don’t let them sit and sulk. Bring them some tissues, comfort them, make sure they know that you love them and get back to what everyone is doing before. 

Some experts say that spanking is not good. I agree that it might not be right for every family. In my house it’s an absolute last resort, and even though it’s clearly not child abuse, it still hurts me - more than it hurts them. Check out KidsSource.com to read some more research about spanking kids and its effects.

For other information on disciplining children in general, check out KidsHealth.org and KeepKidsHealthy.com.

- John

The simplest way to explain the legal relationship I have with my oldest daughter is that she is a stepdaughter from my first marriage. I am very happy to still be a part of her life because I have no legal parental rights.

The divorce was hard on everyone, but I know it was especially scary for her. Parents divorce parents, not children – however Meghan was just old enough to understand the implications. The divorce could have meant that we wouldn’t see each other again.

Her biological father was never in the picture, and I was the only Dad she had ever known. Her mother and I had even begun the adoption process, but we split up before it was approved.

I felt like a failure, and I was afraid I was not going to see her anymore. All I ever wanted from the time I met that sweet little four-year-old was to be a good Dad to her.

My relationship with her mother was volatile from the beginning. We got along best when we avoided each other. She had a special way of pushing my buttons that always ended badly.

Fighting in front of my kids is something I swore I would never do, but she endured seven years of regular battles. I finally figured out that things were not going to get any better, and I moved out.

The following two years were the most difficult of my life. Deciding to leave my wife changed my life in more ways than I could imagine. I won’t feel bad about the money wasted in the court system and other subsequent problems when I know how difficult it was on my girls emotionally. I feel the worst about what they went through.

As divorces go, I will call this a success. My girls have two households and all the love two families can give them. Between the two houses they have a zoo full of animals, piles of toys, and mountains of clothes but I hope more than anything they get good, positive and loving attention.

The airplane oxygen mask instructions are a good analogy for parenting. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you might not be around to care for your child.

I took a big risk with my relationship with my stepdaughter and fought a long, futile legal battle to make sure that I could continue to see her. In the end, it was a verbal agreement between my ex-wife and I that allows me to see her today.

My ex is not an easy person to get along with. We have a long history, so when she feels like picking a fight I am usually the first contestant. I swallow my pride a lot faster these days, just to keep the peace and so I can keep seeing both my daughters. I don’t ever talk badly about their mom, or their other house. I try to focus on my home, and how I can be a good parent to them. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

My advice for anyone divorcing with a stepchild is: keep talking.

In most places in the U.S., you have no legal rights to stepchild visitation. You won’t even have the court’s sympathy. The ex-to-be won’t be getting any child support, so the odds are stacked against you, but keep talking to your ex-spouse-to-be, and talk to your kids. Don’t let lawyers speak for you.

Let the children know you love them, and let your ex know that you only want to be a good parent. If you are sincere and persistent, you have a much better chance of continuing to see your stepchildren than relying on the courts.

- John

Since my two little ones met at ages 5 and 6, I’ve been faced with a very interesting stepsister rivalry.

It’s like nothing I’d ever encountered myself. I was raised an only child by a single mom, so I had my own set of challenges, but definitely no sibling rivalry.

Even when Tori was born, I knew the seven-year age difference from Meghan would keep any rivalry to a minimum.  I am certain Meghan had some jealousy about how much attention her new baby sister was getting, but she rarely complained and mostly just enjoyed playing with her sister, like a baby doll. Now Tori is 7 and Meghan is 14, and they have very distinct and different interests, so again, no big rivalry.

Now with Tori and Claire under the same roof, and sharing a bedroom, and being so close in age they compete over almost everything. Sometimes it’s comical. Sometimes I’ve had enough, and I have to step in, but it is the undertone of everything they do.

Even when they are not together, it still comes up with questions like, “Can Claire do that better than me?” or “What day did Tori go to see that new movie? Because, I think I saw it first.”  It’s very sweet, and I love having that opportunity to reassure either (or both) of them that they are both good at different things and that they are both loved very much.

I suppose a step-sibling rivalry can be treated like any other sibling rivalry as long as both parental units are on the same page and the kids are treated equally.  Clothes shopping for the girls is simple, two of every outfit in different colors. Sometimes we don’t even want the drama of who likes which color, so they just get matching outfits.

We buy the same treats and snacks for them both, or sometimes (on a good day) we have them share one.  Sharing can quickly lead to minor conflict. Taking turns still tends to turn out lop-sided, but again these are great opportunities to teach them sharing, cooperation, and respect.

Most of all, I try to make sure I am fair with them both. I always refer to my rules:

• Be polite.
• Be responsible.
• Share.
• Say your sorry when you hurt someone.

Sometimes I have to take on the role of the common enemy to redirect their battles. It works quite well, and I am good at playing the mean old dad.  You can usually find them making up and plotting their next scheme within minutes of raising my voice, unless I send them to separate rooms for time-out. 

I always talk to them after time outs, so that they know the problem is solved and they are not in trouble anymore. I tell them that I love them both very much, and send them on their way. They are good little kids, with a healthy sibling rivalry. Who am I to stand in the way of step-sister love?

-John

I am a step parent twice over, and proud of it. 

Meghan is my 14-year-old stepdaughter from my first marriage, who I have been a Dad to since she was 4 1/2. The newest apple of my eye was 5 when I met her mom (and now Claire is 8). Both girls are big sisters to my own daughter Tori, who is 7. I believe the official term for my household is a blended family.

I know I am truly lucky when I can start out by saying that I have really good kids. I don’t think I will ever have any wisdom about runaway teens, or spoiled rotten kids. I know those problems have deeper roots and a lot of times the problem is the parent.

*If you’re reading this and your daughter or son is in a bad situation, start by getting yourself to a therapist or support group. Talk to a professional, they can help.*

None of my girls are troublemakers or delinquents, and some of our worst problems are just about doing homework and getting good grades.

All my daughters have the same rules to follow and they get along well together.

I have the perspective of actually being a childhood delinquent, so I know what my oldest stepdaughter could be doing instead of talking too much on the phone, chatting too much online, or “forgetting” her homework at school.  I can only hope that my step parenting is partly the reason for her being a good kid.

I don’t play favorites, but I am told that Tori can wrap me around her finger. The truth is, they all can - with limitations.

I have set boundaries with my kids, and if they don’t cross that line, I am a pretty indulgent Dad.

I expect all my kids to be honest, polite, and responsible. If you make a mess, clean it up. If you break something, apologize and clean up the mess. Always use your manners, and always apologize if you hurt someone. 

There are other rules and different rules for Meghan because of her age, but they all stem from a few simple, common sense rules.

The last rule that deserves its own paragraph is: Do as you’re told. “Told” is the key word. I observe far too many people asking their children what they should be telling them. i.e. “Do you want to go clean your room now?” as opposed to “It’s time to clean you room.”

Aside from the punctuation, it’s a huge difference in what you are communicating.

I am very deliberate in how I communicate with my kids. I give them choices when there are choices to be had, but I don’t open myself to conflict or miscommunication when I want them to do something. 

I go with the lowest drama factor. There is no need to offer choices when a simple set of directions will do.  It’s how I parent all of my kids, because I love them and I want to have the best relationship possible.

-John