Have you noticed that some things are easier to teach than others? For example, it’s easy to teach a kid good manners – please and thank you, don’t pick your nose, and cover your mouth when you cough. Even when it’s not so simple, like if you’re children are strong-willed or learning disabled, there’s lots you can do through repetition and consistency to train them.

But what about the more difficult stuff, like abstract concepts and esoteric issues?  Here is a list of compelling issues that I am struggling to teach my own children:

• Faith. Since I struggle with my faith on a daily basis, it’s difficult to teach my kids, especially when I embrace the more abstract concepts but have difficulty or reject dogma.  It’s something I feel is very critical, especially since I believe that faith helps you through the kind of challenges my learning disabled children no doubt face. I did find Parent University: Teaching Faith to our Children” to be a helpful article and embroiling faith into the everyday is something I do, but I’d like my 6 year old to learn more about God, as I know Him.  What I have done is taught her the “Our Father” and try to tell her nightly that God made her.  Little baby steps, I think, may be the only way.
• Diversity. This is going to be covered in school, but I worry because my daughter will be learning that she has Down syndrome. It’s not something we’ve discussed with her, much less discuss the diversity of others.  I have no idea how to approach this.  Amelia doesn’t speak much, so I’m a bit concerned that the day they do this speech, she will be a little freaked out.  I honestly didn’t find too many resources about teaching kids who have disability about their disability, other than to be honest and positive.  I suppose this is a good area of experimentation for me, and of course, future blogging. This video is a great one for all parents to watch as well:
  What I Would Want a Mother of a Typical Needs Child to Know

• Respect. I teach them self-control, but I’d like them to understand that respect is more than just that. I’m a firm believer in learning something because you understand the value of it.  It’s not enough to stop hitting your sister, you have to want to stop hitting her. This great list of 10 Tips on Teaching Respect to Children would be more effectual if I can get my kids to discuss and understand emotions.  I just received a new toy  called Feeleez, designed to teach kids about various emotions with pictures.  Perhaps that will help.  (I’ll be reviewing very soon on Mom-Blog.)
• Pride – with balance. It’s easy to get learning disabled kids to be proud of their successes, but you don’t want it to tip over into self-absorption.  Personally, I believe the pride is at the heart of most misdeeds; however, appropriate self-esteem is the flip side of pride.  it can be a tightrope to walk for a grown up and much more so for a child.  Too much pride can blow up into selfishness, which can lead to lots of undesired kid behaviors or this distorted perception of entitlement that is so rampant in kids today.  The resources I found on this topic were numerous, so I will leave you with Scholastic’s “Too Much of a Good Thing?

There are no easy answers here, but remember to encourage your child as much as you can, model what you want to see in him, and keep your eyes and ears open for good tips on teaching your kid about the important things in life.

What are the “hard things” you struggle to teach your children? What resources have you found that have helped? Share them in the comments.

A couple of months ago, I stumbled over The Mean Mom’s Club. I have not had a chance to do more than peruse the site, but the term “Mean Mommy” stuck in my brain.

I am so not a mean mommy…

Not yet anyway. But, let me tell you folks, it’s been a rough summer, even with my kids were in summer school for most of it! (They like summer school, too.) By mid-August, I was at my wit’s end between tantrums, yelling fits, and flat out disobedience.

You see, folks, mild parenting can be a pitfall of having special needs kids, particularly if one of them suffers from sensory disorder. You tread gently all the time, you are too positive, and eventually you become the thing you never thought you’d be – a pushover. Then when the rubber hits the road a little too hard, you blow a gasket.

And we all know how well screaming “works” as discipline, right? I had had enough. I decided to toss out the rule of not trying a particular discipline because they “don’t get it”.  When children don’t speak or have attention disorders or other learning disabilities, you believe they often don’t understand you. And, for what it’s worth, on some level, maybe they don’t, but eventually they will. My life is too hectic to have children who won’t pull their weight.

Guess what? They understood more than I gave them credit for. Here’s what I did:

Zoe. Between autism, sensory processing disorder, and her inability to speak, I have not yet incorporated time-out’s for misbehavior. This is problematic, since they were so effective on my other daughter from the age of two. What to do? Well, my neighbor told me that she put her daughter, who is the same age and has autism, in time out and held her there. After a few tries, she understood.

I tried it. Oh Lord, was it grueling! I held her in my arms and she squirmed, and cried, and banged, her head and then…stopped. She suddenly figured out that Mommy wasn’t giving in. After a little while, she calmed down, just in time for me to have to go deal with my other child…

Amelia: The strategy that I’ve been failing at with her is “consistency”. I implemented an “if I say it, I mean it” policy…meaning, if you misbehave, you’ll pay for it, even if you’re taking a bath and you have to wait for your time out. I had believed that the recent ineffectiveness of time-out’s was part of her stretching boundaries. Once I got consistent, though, she fell in line. In fact, I also tried assigning a punishment as a way to get out of time-out and it worked. Boy, did she get that playroom clean! The next day’s time out consisted of her sitting in the corner, spewing venom at the wall but eventually it ended and an obedient, sweet girl emerged.

My parenting lesson for the summer: no more Mrs. Nice Guy. The Tough Mommy gets results that allows Nice Mommy to come out and enjoy her children…and vice versa.

Are you tough with your kids or are you a push-over? If you’ve converted from side to the other, please share your story!

This morning, I didn’t have the honor of being woken by my daughter since when she called for me, I hadn’t been to bed yet. I was still awake, working into the small hours of the evening and she needed help getting to the washroom. The call of natured answered, I deposited her back into her bed, but noticed a movement on her pillow.

Bedbugs.

I found out that the bed, previously without a single sign of them, was quite literally crawling with them. After getting the futon set up for her (even though I knew she wouldn’t sleep for the rest of the evening), I went on a killing spree.

Where I live, basically Downtown Vancouver, bedbugs have become a real problem. It’s not owing to concerns of cleanliness or the population that congregates in my neighborhood – it seems to have originated from travellers and homelessness bringing a few hungry nibblers into the ‘hood and then from there, the vermin scattered.

As I was (mostly inwardly) freaking out, the overwhelming feeling that we should just leave, leave everything and take off for a bug-free spot wouldn’t vacate my mind. It’s not as if I’m in the position to move us into a new place, anyway, when you consider the moving costs, security deposits and hook up charges. But here’s the kicker that’s keeping me in this neighbourhood – I can afford to, for now.

I’ve rearranged my priorities in order to live steps from gorgeous beaches, parks and nearly ever amenity I could need. I don’t need to drive or take taxis. They have some great standard and health food retailers as well as flexible, affordable dining options. The whole neighborhood seems to be perfect, until you consider that whole bedbug scenario.

And the rental rates. Tell me: Would you consider paying over $2000 a month to rent a two bedroom apartment? Would you rent a smaller space to make up for the higher rental rates?

I live in a one bedroom apartment with my daughter. We don’t have a backyard, but we do have an ocean three blocks away. At the moment, I can’t afford a two-bedroom apartment in this neighborhood because the least expensive I’ve seen has started at $1400 per month, so I live in a very small one-bedroom apartment in a lower rent bracket – one that allows us to live pretty comfortably within our means.

I haven’t much questioned that decision – to go smaller, to save money on rent and enjoy it elsewhere – until last night’s early morning bug rampage. Suddenly, my good enough apartment was the last place I wanted to be and I started feverishly scanning For Rent ads on Craigslist.

It didn’t take long to see that in the year since I’ve moved, rents have gone up even more – so that between my harried need to find other shelter and the high dollar to square foot ratio, I was considering bachelor apartments charging nearly $200 more a month than I currently pay.

Because…

• maybe if it just had the right layout.
• maybe I could declutter my stuff down to bare minimalist.
• maybe suddenly, my daughter would be able to sleep while being in the same room as I am awake.
• maybe it wouldn’t have bugs in it.

I’ve long-wished to raise a child in this neighborhood because of its diverse beauty, ethnicity and tolerance. Now it seems as though we can either stay in a suite which has become inundated with creepy-crawlies (not for the first time) for a comfortable price; break the bank in a nicer, larger suite in the same neighborhood, and struggle to make ends meet and/or miss out on extras; or, move entirely away from the place my daughter and I have grown to call home, leaving the comforting nearness of our friends, her soon-to-be preschool, all of the amenities we use every day.

I don’t know what the right choice is, anymore.

This is a concept that a few of my friends who are single moms have a hard time dealing with. I had a hard time accepting how my ex parents our daughter, too, for a very long time.

It’s so easy to find faults in the dynamics between your children and their other parent – especially if you have a tumultuous relationship with your former husband or wife. Remaining neutral and accepting can be quite difficult when you’re used to seeing them in an unflattering light.

Another situation that makes it easy to see that he or she is doing it wrong is when you’re the primary caregiver and the other half of the parenting spectrum is often removed from the daily chores that parenting come with.

At first, you’re quite happy to have them there to help and lend a hand, and maybe you get to sit down for a few minutes and put up your feet, right? Then, you notice that the baby’s diaper isn’t on tight enough, which will lead to leaks and more laundry and since you’re the one who does the laundry (and maybe the only one who can aim, when dunking it into the hamper), it seems like your other half is just making more work for you.

This is where you have to put on your own parent hat.

When a toddler comes to you and wants to ‘help’ you do something, it often ends up being more work for you. Sure, they washed the window, but you have to go back over it twice to remove the toothpaste they used as a cleaning agent. But you still let them help you because you want to encourage that sort of behavior: being helpful.

You might step completely back and hand over the reigns, but more likely, you find yourself helping them help you – giving them little tips and lessons in a way that doesn’t insult them.

Such as it should be with your children’s other parent. Involve them as much as you can in your own reasoning, explain to them why you do the things you do, but give them some room to make their own mistakes. When they do, you shouldn’t admonish them, just like you wouldn’t your toddler, because you don’t want them to feel as if it’s not worth the effort, trying to help you.

Often in parenting couples, you have a good cop/bad cop dynamic. Speaking from experience, it can be incredibly frustrating to be the bad cop all the time, while the good one seems to let everything slide. But you do whether you’re aware of it or not, need to allow that kind of dynamic because it does balance out. Your children learn that there is a time to be lax and times where structure is very important. And, from my viewpoint, this is important because they have the opportunity to practice self-regulation.

If it’s a point of contention, sitting back and watching your child’s other parent make what you deem as mistakes, try a little trick that helped me a lot: put it in writing, instead of (what can seem like constantly) verbalizing your disenchantment.

I found with my ex that putting clear language in an email, describing the problem, the result of it, and what I would do differently, often helped to correct issues – without creating strife where there already was enough. We’ve used email, but I’ve known other couples who have used notebooks or even sticky notes left in a prominent location.

What have you done in the past to be able to accept (and maybe even embrace?) the different style of parenting that your spouse provides your children with?

On Monday, I read “Breakfast Can Wait. The Day’s First Stop Is Online” by Brad Stone.  I was kind of horrified by it.  Parents are giving up breakfast time with their children for email, Twitter, and Facebook.

Look, I love my Twitter account and am rapidly starting to love Facebook.  I blog a lot, and I can be  as obsessive as the next person with checking my email.  But I honestly was shocked at what parents are letting their kids get away with.  One example from the article: a mom got her daughter an Apple laptop and she missed her school bus three times in the weeks after.

OK, I know it’s seriously not cool, but isn’t the correct response to that to take away the laptop?

How much has technology eroded the American family?  I ponder this as I take stock of my 4 monitors, 2 PC’s, one laptop, Wii, and PS3.  At least as a person who works at home, I’ve resisted the cell phone, but my husband is attached at the hip to his Blackberry.  Unless there is some kind of emergency (I’m nearing a deadline, for example), I don’t even approach my computers until I start work.

Digging a little deeper, I discovered that an article about a University of Southern California study. The  Annenberg Center for the Digital Future reported in June that nearly three times as many families are spending less time together now than they did in 2006.  That’s family members, not friends.  Social networks, on the other hand, are booming.  Twitter’s user base, for example, has doubled since August, 2008.

As parents, how can we combat the lure of technology, especially if we find it hard to resist ourselves?  Like everything else in parenting, the example begins with  us.  If you want to curb your kids’ technology diet, start examining your own technology habits.

A few years ago, I worked on the 12-week self-help book for creatives, “The Artist’s Way.”  During one of the weeks, you are supposed to do a media diet: no computers, TV or any media for 7 days.  Almost everyone fails at this, but it’s worth mentioning to show how little we can go without that technology crutch.  If a 7 day media fast is too extreme for you, then try one day. Work usage is fine, but eliminate all personal use for the entire family for one day.  Pretend it’s a 24 hour power outage.  As someone who’s been through real 12+ hour power outages, you’d be surprised how much fun can be had. What would you do?

Think of all the time you could free up.  You could talk to your kids.  They could enjoy the meal  you made.  You might actually find some alone time with your spouse or, heaven forbid, with yourself.  You could sit run a sprinkler in your yard and if it rains, come back inside and do some funs crafts with the little ones.  You could catch up with friends, neighbors and family. You could have a party.

I know what you’re thinking: it will never happen.  You’re right, it won’t, if you don’t make it happen. Take back your family and free them from the chains of technology.

I DARE YOU: commit to one media-free or technology-free day for your whole family this summer.  DOUBLE DARE: commit to two days.  Share your experiences!

In high school, I had an art teacher who said that the largest mistake parents can make is to see their child create some sort of art – a scribble or a mis-shapen something – and ask them what it is. Appparently, this removes a child’s willingness to just create art, and puts a focus on projecting pictures of things.

That message rang true with me, even at 16: parents often spend time teaching their children to color within the lines, instead of encouraging thought outside of the them.

When I first started hearing the tick tock of a biological clock, I had hipster ideas about what my children would be like: artistic, musical, unexposed to mainstream media and child-focused marketing. Part of me thought that if my children weren’t seeing whatever the current cool character was, that would nourish their built-in imaginations.

Instead, I have a child focused on rescuing the baby animals – a mindset I can thank Dora and Diego for. While I love the empathy she extends toward these imaginary animals in trouble, it does bother me that she has been cued to feel it.

When we break out a coloring book, or find some printouts to decorate, she attempts to stay within the boundaries of the picture and already, at three, is focused on using appropriate colors.

When singing a song she’s heard before, the words must be correct (or in the near vicinity), otherwise she won’t sing. Sure, she makes up her own little ditties in a tiny voice while she’s focusing on something else, but when her whole attention is put toward a song, it must be correct.

I don’t know where all of this came from, and on some level, I really dislike it. She’s already unconsciously aiming for the status quo, whereas I always thought I’d have a daughter who did every thing her own way.

Paradoxically, with this lack of creativity has come an awesome sense of imagination. Sometimes the stories are recycled when she tells me who she has to rescue, from what. But for the most part, this little girl who tries very hard to fit within the confines of a box she doesn’t even know exists yet, is surprisingly good at making up scenarios.

I encourage that. I also encourage her to sing and make up silly songs – even when we’re getting dirty looks in the gorcery store for it. I say to her things like, “life’s too short, might as well sing your heart out about spaghetti.” I follow that up with “Make loud mistakes” because to me, singing off key loudly is much better than never having sung in the first place.

Some friends think I’m a bit of a hippy for this – for encouraging her to be different, unencumbered by social norms. It’s part of the reason that homeschooling seems so important to me, since I see a lot of mainstream schooling as an attempt to grow up like everyone else. I don’t want that for her. I want her to relish her differences and celebrate the things that make her unique.

What is your view point on the subject? Would you prefer your children to be the odd ones out, but have confidence in their differences, or would you prefer that they felt as if they were the same as all of thir peers?